


Say What You Mean to Say

by OrangeOctopi7



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Family Conflict, Gen, Honestly I have no clue where this is going or how long it will be, Mainly written to address some common pet peeves I have with the fandom, Pre-Weirdmageddon AU, This plot bunny bit me and would not let go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23676487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeOctopi7/pseuds/OrangeOctopi7
Summary: An AU where things go a little more smoothly at the UFO crash site, Dipper doesn’t make any life-changing decisions without sleeping on it first, and Ford clarifies some earlier statements made while under emotional duress.
Comments: 97
Kudos: 119





	1. For Want of a Switch

Many metaphors have been made about how changing course by just a couple of degrees can lead to a very different destination. How flipping a simple switch can make a difference between a train ending up in Paris or Munich. In this case, the metaphorical switch was as simple as Ford and Dipper not pressing a real switch inside a derelict spaceship. Because of this, no security droids showed up when Dipper found the adhesive, and they were free to continue their conversation about apprenticeship uninterrupted.

“I-I dunno.” Dipper stammered when Ford insisted that Mabel would be fine on her own in California. “We’ve never really been apart before.”

“And isn’t that suffocating?” Ford asked.

“...What do you mean?” Dipper asked for clarification. He was pretty sure he knew where his great uncle was coming from, but he had to be sure. Because if not… well, the boy wouldn’t let  _ anyone  _ talk about his sister like that and not stand up for her, not even The Author.

“I mean always living with the expectations that you have to go everywhere together, to do everything together! I mean when people act as though you’ve done something wrong if you ever try to follow your own path, even your own twin!”

Dipper nodded. “I know exactly what you mean. The teacher over our Quiz Bowl team is always asking me when Mabel’s gonna join, no matter how many times I tell him she’s not into that sort of thing. And every time Mabel gets a part in the school play, everyone else pesters me so much for not auditioning that I end up joining the stage crew, even though rehearsals are the same time as Game Club. Mabel always says I don’t have to, but… I just get so tired of all the other teachers and students getting on my case.”

There were even more instances like this that Dipper could list. Heck, just earlier this summer, Mabel had been upset because he wouldn’t go trick-or-treating with her. But no, Mabel was more upset that Dipper had tried to ditch her without explaining that he wanted to go to the dance with Wendy, and Robbie had made him feel embarrassed about being too old for it. She wouldn’t have been so mad if he’d just talked to her in the first place. Right?

When he stopped to think about it, Dipper realized it was probably even worse for Ford and Stan when they were growing up. They may have been fraternal twins, but they definitely  _ looked  _ identical. And while Dipper had never met his great-grandfather, the few stories he’d heard about the guy didn’t make him sound like a very supportive parent. 

“Dipper, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?” Ford asked. “More than what people expect of you? More than just being half of an assumed pair?”

“I-I guess… maybe? I dunno. Staying here in Gravity Falls, working with you… it sounds like a dream come true, but I’m not sure I have what it takes. Bill tricked me, and I was wrong about Stan and the portal.…”

“Bill tricked me too, remember?” Ford assured him. “And you were  _ right  _ about Stan and the portal. It  _ was  _ too dangerous, and he shouldn’t have opened it.”

“But then you never would have--”

“I know. Believe me, I know. And I’m so glad I got to come back to Gravity Falls and meet you and Mabel, but… but it’s selfish of me to feel that way, because the event that brought me home put the rest of the universe in danger. Once we find the alien adhesive and seal the rift, maybe I can-- I can finally live without- well, with a little less guilt.” He sighed and muttered under his breath. “Sixty-three years old, and I’m  _ still  _ cleaning up after his messes.” Ford shifted through a few more containers, still looking for the adhesive. “What I’m trying to say is: I think you  _ do  _ have what it takes.”

“If you say so…” Dipper shrugged. “I mean, I can’t even work this magnet gun right!” He held it up to demonstrate and ended up zapping a hexagonal container right to him. It leaked a strange pink goop when he tried to pry it off. 

“That’s it!” Ford cried. “You did it, my boy, you found the adhesive!”

“I did?” 

“Yes! What did I tell you? You  _ do  _ have what it takes, kid, you’re brilliant!” Ford hugged him, and then carefully packed up the alien adhesive. “We can continue this discussion on the way back home. For now, we’ve got bigger things to worry about. I’ve been working on a specialized glue-gun back in the lab. We should be able to fill it with the alien adhesive and seal up the rift.”

Dipper got a few more tries with the magnet gun on their way back out of the crashed alien ship, and by the time he reached the ladder again, he’d actually gotten the hang of it.

“Great Uncle Ford?”

“Yes, my boy?” 

“If… if I  _ do  _ become your apprentice, could we come back here some time?”

Ford grinned warmly. “Absolutely.”

As they ascended the ladder, Dipper paused to take a few more selfies before they left the UFO, and he even got Ford to pose with him in one, but it was clear the old researcher wanted to get back to the lab and seal off the rift as soon as possible. Their climb up was otherwise uneventful. But while Dipper was exiting the ship, his foot caught on the lip of the opening, and tripped over the rock that had been covering the access hatch before. Luckily, his backpack took the brunt of the fall. Unluckily, they heard the loud crunch of something breaking.

Dipper and Ford shared a moment of wide-eyed terror as the boy hurriedly opened up his bag and pulled out the rift. They shared a sigh of relief when they found the crack in the containment unit hadn't expanded more than a millimeter, and was still stable. Dipper rummaged around in his bag and found the offending culprit.

“Phew, it was just my walkie-talkie.” The boy sighed with relief. The speaker had popped out and the Talk button was stuck down. “Oh well, we weren’t getting a signal anyway.”

“I can fix it for you, once the rift is taken care of.” Ford assured him, “But we need to seal it fast, before that crack finally breaks.”

Dipper nodded and gingerly held out the containment unit to his uncle. “I think you’d better carry it from here on out.”

Ford solemnly took the rift and placed it in one of his many coat pockets. “That was close. We can’t afford to have any accidents with this.”

“I’m sorry…” Dipper murmured.

“You don’t need to be sorry, my boy. Just more careful.”

“See, this is what I’m talking about when I say I don’t think I have what it takes! I just almost ended the universe!”

“ _ Almost _ being the operative word. You almost destabilized the rift, but you  _ didn’t _ .” Ford reassured him. “Meanwhile, look at all the things you  _ have  _ done! Defeated a swarm of gnomes, faced off against a character from a fighting game brought to life, outsmarted a shapeshifter! How many other twelve-year-olds could do that? This town is a magnet for things that are special. For people who are special, like you and me!” Ford hugged him. “So what do you say, will you be my apprentice?”

“Well… I… it’s a really big decision.” Dipper said slowly. “I’m gonna need time to think about it.”

“You’re right. It  _ is  _ a big decision.” Ford agreed. “And you’ve got the rest of the week to consider it. Of course,  _ I hope _ you say yes.”

  
  
  


* * *

The sun was just starting to dip towards the horizon when they got back to the shack, the sunlight filtering in long slanting beams between the trees. The beautiful scenery added to Dipper's good mood as he ran up the stairs to the attic, eager to share the day's events with his sister.

"Mabel! I just had the greatest day of my life! Aliens are real, and I got to explore their ship with Grunkle Ford, and-" he halted in his rambling when he saw his sister curled up in a ball on her bed, her back to him. "Mabel, what's wrong?"

She slowly sat up and turned around, revealing her walkie-talkie, still receiving transmissions from Dipper's busted one.

"Tell me I heard wrong, Dipper!" She cried, "Tell me you're not going to stay here and be Ford's apprentice!"

"Well, I… I haven't really made a decision yet." Dipper replied. "I've still got all week to think about it."

"You just had the  _ best day of your life _ ? Well I just had the  _ worst _ day of my life!" Mabel informed her brother with tears in her eyes. "I found out that everything I was looking forward to in the future, highschool, a birthday party with my friends, even saying goodbye to them at the bus stop before we leave, it's all going wrong! And now I find out you, the  _ one constant  _ in my life, might not be coming home with me!?"

"I-I don't know, I haven't decided yet…" Dipper stammered. "Just give me a couple of days to think about it, we'll figure this out!"

"Why can't you figure out right now that it's a terrible idea!?"

Dipper tried to remember how Ford had put it. He made it sound so clear and logical. "Come on, Mabel, we can't always do the same thing! We have to choose our own path!"

"What does that even mean!?" She threw her hands up. "I'm your sister and your friend, Dipper, whatever you do it's gonna affect me, especially if it's you  _ leaving  _ me!"

“Well, always staying with you is going to affect me and the opportunities  _ I  _ have!”

“I’m not saying you  _ always  _ have to stay with me!” Mabel retorted. “But moving away from home for good? Staying cooped up in a lab with Grunkle Ford all the time? Is that really what you want?”

“I don’t  _ know  _ what I really want!” Dipper steamed. “So far today  _ nobody  _ has given me time to stop and really think about this! You think I don’t have misgivings about moving away from Mom and Dad? But it’s not like I’d never come back, I’d come to visit for holidays and stuff. And I wouldn’t be cooped up in the lab with Grunkle Ford  _ all  _ the time. We’d go out exploring, and I’d hang out with Wendy when she’s done with school for the day, and Grunkle Stan would still be around to make me do chores… probably…”

Come to think of it, Dipper wasn’t quite sure what Stan was going to do once tourist season was over. It was clear Ford didn’t approve of the Mystery Shack, even less than Dipper had when the boy first arrived. Would Stan stay in Gravity Falls after the Shack was shut down? Did he have anywhere else to go?

“Fine!” Mabel huffed as she stormed out of the room. “Take you time thinking about how much fun you’re gonna have chasing fairies with Grunkle Ford, while I’m stuck in Piedmont doing math homework!”

Dipper waited quietly in their bedroom as he listened to Mabel thunder down the stairs. He figured it was probably best to give her some space to cool down for now. They’d talk more about it when she wasn’t so upset, when they could both think clearly. Once the front door slammed shut, he knew it was safe for him to go downstairs. He headed down to the basement to see if Ford needed any help sealing the rift.

  
  
  


* * *

It was early in the evening, but the gift shop was completely empty. Of course, the fact that it was the second-to-last Friday of August didn’t help. Tourist season was coming to a close. Normally the Mystery Shack would cut back to only being open on the weekends once September rolled around, going until Halloween, when Stan would throw together a haunted house and go out with a bang before closing down until the holiday season, when he’d open up for a couple of weeks before shutting down again until Spring Break of next year.

Not this year, though.

This year, Stan would be closing up the Mystery Shack for good.

“Alright, I ain’t payin’ ya to stand around when we’re not pulling in any cash.” Stan barked at Wendy. “Go home!”

“You don’t need to tell me twice.” Wendy shrugged, pulling off her name tag and grabbing her jacket.

“You too, Soos!” Stan turned to the handyman, who was busy pulling boxes out of a closet.

“You sure, Mr. Pines?” Soos asked, “I thought you wanted me to clear out all our old inventory.”

“It can wait ‘til tomorrow. I get the feeling it’s gonna be another slow day.”

“Oh. Well, I could help you clean out the kitchen instead!”

“Soos.”

“You don’t gotta pay me. Oh, or I could vacuum the living room!”

“Go home, Soos! If you’re so set on doin’ chores, do ‘em for your Abuelita!”

“Oh. Ok…”

Stan hadn’t told Soos about Ford’s mandate to close down the Mystery Shack after the kids left, and he worried the handyman would figure it out if he stuck around. Stan also hadn’t told the guy he’d be kicked out after the kids left. Maybe Stan was just trying to spare the kid’s feelings. Or maybe he was hoping Soos’ inevitable water works when he found out would persuade Ford to change his mind. Not likely, but hey, it was worth a shot, right?

The old conman was tallying up the day’s profits in the cash register (there weren’t any) when his hearing aide picked up the _ bang _ of the attic bedroom door slamming open, followed by the  _ tromp-thump-clomp-thunk _ of someone stomping down the stairs, punctuated by the  _ creeeeeeak-slam _ of the front door being thrown open and then kicked shut. 

“Oh boy.” He sighed, locking the till. He’d had to cheer Mabel up just an hour ago, and he didn’t think it was a coincidence that someone had stormed out of the house just a few minutes after Dipper and Ford got back from their latest nerd escapade. What were those kids fighting about  _ now _ ?

Stan peeked out the window at the front porch, and sure enough, there was Mabel, sobbing on the couch, her head pulled into her sweater. Earlier she’d just been sad and unsure of the future, but now Stan could see her mood had shifted, and not for the better. These were tears of anger and frustration.

“Hey Pumpkin, you alright?” Stan asked as he peeked out the front door.

“No!” 

Right, stupid question. “Well, wassamatter? I gotta punch some jerk for you?”

“No…” Mabel said more quietly this time. Stan figured that was all the invitation he needed to sit down next to her.

“You feelin’ up to tellin’ me what happened, or am I gonna have to play Ducktective?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now…” Mabel mumbled, her voice a bit muffled by the sweater over her face. “Can you just… can you just sit here with me for a little while?”

“Eh, sure, I got nothin’ better to do.” Stan played it off like he was indifferent, but he wrapped a gentle arm around her back. He could tell she appreciated it by the way she leaned into his side.

They sat there like that for maybe five minutes before Mabel finally began to talk on her own.

“You remember earlier, when you said at least whatever happens, I’ll still have Dipper with me?”

Yep, they were definitely fighting again. “Yeah?”

“I’m starting to worry I  _ won’t  _ always have him with me.”

“Alright, what’d that bundle of sweat and nerves do now?”

“It’s not something he did… not exactly.” Mabel was quiet for a moment, as if she wasn’t sure she should share the next bit. “Grunkle Ford asked Dipper if he wanted to stay here in Gravity Falls and be his apprentice.” 

“... _ Did he now _ ?” Stan asked icily. He didn’t want to make this about him and his brother’s issues. This was Mabel’s problem. But oh boy, he was going to have  _ words  _ with his brother as soon as he had the chance. “Sixty-three years old and I’m still cleanin’ up after his messes…” he muttered under his breath.

“I overheard them talking about it on the walkie-talkies.” Mabel nodded, apparently not hearing that last bit. “And when Dipper got back, he said he needed time to  _ think  _ about it! I guess I’m mad because if it were me, I  _ wouldn’t  _ have to think about it. If I had to choose between staying in Gravity Falls without Dipper, or going home with him, I’d choose to go home with him every time!”

Stan gave her a reassuring squeeze. “I know you would, sweetie. But you gotta remember, your brother’s one of those over-thinking types. He’s gotta over-think everything! That big head of his will figure out it’s a bad idea.”

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“Then we’ll have to talk some sense into him.”

Mabel shifted inside her sweater and gave a little moan. She still wasn’t reassured.

Stan heaved a deep sigh. “Look, I’m gonna tell you somethin’ I wish I’d known when I was a kid. I don’t think this’ll happen, but… if Dipper  _ does  _ decide he wants to stay with Ford, or if when you two get older, he decides to do something you really don’t think he should do, you  _ should  _ try and talk some sense into him. But if he still won’t listen, all you can do is support him. Cuz if he ever feels like you’re tryin’ to hold him back, that’ll only push him away faster.”

Mabel finally poked her head out of her sweater and looked up at Stan with wide eyes. “I’m not trying to hold Dipper back… I just don’t want to be alone!”

He hugged her. “I know, sweetie. Nobody does.”

“And you weren’t trying to hold Grunkle Ford back when you two were teenagers! The thing with his science fair project was just an accident!”

Oh great. Here he’d been trying to  _ not  _ make this about himself and his issues with his brother. “Believe me, I know. But it doesn’t matter what I know.  _ He  _ still thinks it was sabotage.” The old conman shook his head. “But look, kid, you don’t gotta worry about my issues, even if they do seem pretty similar. I know right now with summer ending and your last year of middle school starting, it seems you’re growin’ up too fast, but the truth is, you’re still young. You an’ your brother’ve still got years an’ years to mess up and make up.”

Mabel squirmed the rest of the way out of her sweater and wrapped her arms around Stan’s waist. “Thanks Grunkle Stan. I guess I feel a little better now. I’m still worried about what Dipper will do, though.”

“Well, if he does decide to stay here with Ford, maybe I’ll come home with you.”

Mabel giggled and looked up at him again, but her smile faltered when she saw he wasn’t joking. “W-what are you talking about? You can’t just leave the Mystery Shack, this is your home!”

Yikes. Stan probably shouldn’t have said that out loud. He was pretty sure the whole reason Ford was letting him stay until the kids left was because the old nerd didn’t want them to know about it and make a fuss. Stan had just wanted to make Mabel feel better, but she’d just be more upset if she found out he’d been kicked out.

Luckily, something else caught their attention before that conversation could start. They heard something rustling through the underbrush. It was hard to see in the dimming light as the sun continued to sink towards the horizon, but a humanoid figure seemed to be making its way towards the clearing that housed the Mystery Shack. Stan reached behind the couch for his anti-creep bat, which he used to chase off Manotaurs, IRS agents, or the stray beautiful men that had started hanging around a couple of months ago. But an uneasy feeling he couldn’t place made him reach further down until his hand closed around the handle of a pistol. His thumb rested carefully against the safety switch, unsure if he should flip if off yet.

Before the figure came into full view, they heard its voice, high pitched and annoying, but probably male. “M-M-M-Mabel? M-Mable? Ugh, where is she? She should’ve come this way by now!”

Stan switched the safety off. He was about to order Mabel back inside when the stranger finally stumbled into the clearing. He was a tall, pudgy man with a hairstyle that looked straight out of the 1920’s, wearing weird little goggles and a gray jumpsuit. Wait, not gray, forest camo. Wait, no, brick pattern. No, a seascape. No, definitely gray. Wow, were Stan’s eyes really that bad?

“Wait, Blendin!?” Mabel exclaimed. She hopped up from the couch, but Stan immediately grabbed her shoulder and sat her back down. Every instinct in his body was telling him this was wrong.

This Blendin guy looked up with surprise when he heard her voice. “M-Mabel! I’ve been looking all over for you! I-I-I need your help!”

That just set off more alarm bells. Why would this creep be looking for Mabel in the woods instead of the home she’d been living in for the past two-and-a-half months?

“Mabel, who the heck is this weirdo?” Stan asked uneasily.

“That’s Blendin Blandin. He’s a time travel guy. Me and Dipper accidentally lost him his job, and then he challenged us to a time travelers’ gladitoral death match called Globnar, which we won, so we got him his job back, and now we’re cool!” She assured her uncle. “What’s wrong, Blendin?”

“S-something terrible is about to happen, and I-I-I need your help to stop it!”

Mabel tried to stand up again, but Stan kept a hand tightly clamped down on her shoulder.

“Whatever it is, you can tell her from where you’re at.” Stan growled.

“I-I-It’s top secret!” Blendin whined. “I-I-I could lose my job again i-if this gets out!”

“It’s OK Blendin! Grunkle Stan just wants to make sure I’m safe!” Mabel assured him. “But he’s  _ really good _ at keeping secrets, you can trust him! Why don’t you just come up here and tell us what’s wrong?”

Blendin took a few steps forward, but stopped just a foot short of the porch. “Uuuuh… h-h-how about we meet h-half-way?” 

That was it. Stan whipped out the pistol he’d been hiding behind the couch. “How’s about you start talkin’  _ now _ ?”

“Grunkle Stan!” Mabel gasped, scandalized.

“A-a-alright!” Blendin whimpered. “I-I-I need something from your brother’s lab! B-but you have to hurry!”

  
  
  


* * *

Ford noticed right away that Dipper’s mood had worsened in the ten minutes since they’d gotten home. His gaze was on the floor, and he shuffled his feet as he left the elevator.

“Let me guess, Mabel didn’t take it well?” 

Dipper just shook his head in reply. “I still need to talk to her about it when she’s not so upset, but… I’m starting to think I shouldn’t take your offer…”

The old researcher felt himself deflate at the boy’s words, but he hoped Dipper hadn’t noticed. Instead he changed the subject. “For now, we need to focus on sealing the rift. Everything else can wait.” He pulled the rift out of his pocket. The crack reached almost completely across the protective dome now. “Dipper, would you please get me the glue gun sitting on the console desk?”

The glue gun in question looked like a cross between one of Mabel’s crafting glue guns and a Nyarf Mega Soaker, complete with an empty tank built into the back end. It was big enough that Dipper needed both hands to lift it. The boy carried it over to Ford, who inserted the tip into the alien adhesive container and began to fill it like a syringe. 

“Alright, I need you to take that flathead screwdriver and very carefully unscrew the base of the containment unit.” Ford instructed.

Dipper did just that, holding his breath the whole time so his hands wouldn’t shake.

“OK, now turn it over, slow and steady, and detach one of the tubes from the dome.”

Dipper turned the dome in his hands, careful to keep the swirling blob of chaos energy inside from touching the glass, and then pulled one of the tiny tubes out. Ford knelt down beside him and inserted the tip of the glue gun into the little hole before the rift could leak out. He began to pump the alien adhesive into the rift, starting at the bottom and working his way up until what had once been a sparkling hole in space was now a glowing pink mass. He continued until the glue began to ooze out of the cracks in the dome.

“Alright, put it down. Careful not to get any of the adhesive on your hands. Step back.” Ford put himself between Dipper and the filled containment dome the moment the boy moved. The old researcher stared it down, as if daring it to do something,  _ anything _ , to suggest it was destabilizing. He waited a minute. Two. Five. It just sat there, unmoving, unchanging.

Ford released a breath he hadn’t even noticed he’d been holding. Was that it? Was he… done?

The unmistakable sound of a gunshot went off from the vicinity of the porch above them.

Ford swore he jumped as high as the ceiling at the sound. Dipper screamed. The old researcher pressed himself and his nephew into the small space beneath the console desk, looking warilly up at the hole in the roof where Dipper had fallen through under the porch just a few weeks ago. If he concentrated, he could hear voices arguing up there. It sounded like Stan, and another voice he didn’t recognize, but it was hard to make out. He was going to have to go up there if he wanted to know what was happening.

“Stay down here where it’s safe. If Stan or your sister try to come in here without me, don’t trust them until you’ve checked their eyes. If anyone else tries to get in, barricade the door and hide.”

“W-what about the rift?”

Ford glanced down at the ball of glowing adhesive. It’d take at least another 24 hours for it to cure, but it seemed safe, for now. “Hide it, if you have to, but it should be fine.” With that, he darted to the elevator, checking his weapons as he waited for the lift to take him up.

He hoped everyone was ok. It would be the cruelest irony if after finally protecting the universe from the rift, he failed to protect his family.

  
  


* * *

“Grunkle Stan, don’t hurt him!” Mabel cried, trying to pull down his arm holding up the gun.

“Just a warning shot, sweetie.” Stan assured her through gritted teeth. “I don’t remember ever mentioning anything about havin’ a brother to you, much less anything about a lab.” He addressed the stranger standing in front of the porch.

“I-I-I’m from the future! I know these sorts of things!” Blendin insisted. Funny. He didn’t seem any more flustered than he had been before the gunshot.

“Sure.”

“Grunkle Stan, he’s telling the truth!”

“I don’t doubt that.” But Stan knew better than anyone that the best way to sell a big lie was with a bunch of technically true facts. And his instincts told him this joker was trying to pass a doozy of a lie. “Go wait inside, sweetie.” 

“No, you’ll shoot him!”

“Only if he gives me a good reason to.” 

“M-M-Mabel, wait!” Blendin implored pathetically.

“Go wait inside kid, or you’re grounded!”

“But Grunkle Stan--”

“Somethin’ about this is off, alright?” Stan muttered to her under his breath. “Pay attention to your instincts, you’ll feel it too. Just do me a favor and go inside where it’s safe, ok?”

After another moment of hesitation, Mabel finally listened to her Grunkle and went inside.

“So,” Stan turned his attention back to the stranger waiting just beyond the porch. “I got five more rounds. That gives you five more chances to tell me  _ why  _ you want something outta my brother’s lab.”

The guy’s posture shifted into something far more confident and  _ inexplicably  _ inhuman as he burst into a long, mocking fit of laughter. The creep’s voice had completely changed the next time he spoke. 

“OH, I SHOULDA KNOWN I COULDN’T PULL ONE OVER ON YOU, STANLEY PINES!” 

“What, am I supposed to be impressed you know my real name? We already established you’re from the future, and even if that  _ wasn’t  _ the case, I’m pretty sure Soos has spread that gossip through half the town by now.”

“WELL, WE BOTH KNOW YOU CAN’T KEEP ON GOING BY ‘STANFORD’ AFTER THE SUMMER ENDS. I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU GET USED TO IT.”

“Yeah. Drop the small talk and cut to the chase, bucko. I really don’t wanna shoot you after my niece asked me not to.”

“OK, OK. IT’LL PROBABLY COME AS NO SURPRISE TO YOU THAT YOUR BROTHER’S IN OVER HIS HEAD WITH ONE OF HIS PROJECTS.” The creep pressed a button on his watch and a hologram of what Stan could only describe as massively over-designed snowglobe appeared. “IT’S A TEAR IN TIME AND SPACE. HE’S TRYING TO KEEP THE THING FROM GOING CRITICAL, BUT HE CAN’T DO IT ON HIS OWN. HE’S TRYING TO SEAL IT NOW, BUT IT’S  _ GOING  _ TO RUPTURE. HOWEVER, IF YOU CAN GET IT TO ME  _ BEFORE  _ HE SEALS IT…”

“Uh-huh. And what’re you gonna do with it?”

“TAKE IT TO THE FUTURE, WHERE WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO CONTAIN IT, OF COURSE!”

“So why don’t you just ask him for it yourself?”

“HAH! YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW HOW STUBBORN AND PARANOID HE IS! HE’D NEVER LET ANOTHER PERSON TOUCH IT,  _ HE _ HAS TO BE THE HERO ALL ON HIS OWN!”

“Yeah, you got a good point there. But I meant why don’t you ask him for it yourself when he bursts out this door in about ten seconds.” 

  
  
  


* * *

The elevator ascent took entirely too long. It had to be at least two minutes since he heard the gunshot go off, which, depending on whether or not anyone sustained an injury, and what kind of injury it was, was time he didn’t have to waste. 

As Ford rushed through the house to the front porch door, he was relieved to note that Mabel was perfectly safe, just peeking anxiously out the front window. But the observation did nothing to slow him down. Through the window he could see Stan on the porch, holding what appeared to be the offending firearm. The gun was pointed at an unfamiliar figure. What  _ was  _ familiar was the figure’s  _ voice _ . Ford pushed past Mabel and threw the door open, one hand already on his own blaster.

“ _ Bill _ !!” He cried as he lept dramatically onto the porch, drawing his blaster with a flourish. Stan was looking at him with a smug grin, obviously he’d heard his brother running through the house. Bill, for once, looked surprised. But he quickly regained his composure.

“WELL, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I’M HERE FOR, SIXER!”

“You’re too late, Bill, I already sealed the rift!” 

Ford was satisfied to see that for the second time in under a minute, Bill looked shocked. “ _ WHAT?!? _ WHAT--HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!? FIRST SHOOTING STAR DOESN’T SHOW IN THE WOODS WHEN SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, NOW THIS!? IS SOME LESSER TIME BEING  _ MESSING WITH ME _ TODAY?” 

Bill removed his goggles, revealing the tell-tale glowing yellow eyes, which he rubbed with frustration before continuing, back in his usual mocking tone. “SO WHAT, DID YOU STEAL THE FATES’ SEWING KIT AND STITCH IT BACK TOGETHER YOURSELF? OR, OH DON’T TELL ME, YOU AND PINETREE WERE AT THE UFO EARLIER. YOU FILLED IT IN WITH SPACE GLUE, DIDN’T YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES THAT STUFF TO SET? OF COURSE YOU DON’T, YOU NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO TEST IT! TYPICAL SIXER.”

Stanford blanched. No, he hadn’t tested it first. There hadn’t been time! “I-I know it will work! And it doesn’t matter how long it takes to set, you can’t reach it if it’s within the protection spell!”

“I SURE CAN’T!” Bill agreed with a smirk. “BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU AS MUCH AS I DO WHO CAN!” He turned to Stan “WHADDAYA SAY, MAC? CARE TO HELP ME STICK IT TO YOUR UNGRATEFUL BROTHER?”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Stan growled. “And only _ I _ get to call him Sixer!”

Bill’s confident grin set into a forced grimace. 

“HA.” 

“WELL.”

“YOU PROBABLY THINK YOU’VE WON, DON’T YOU? WELL, GUESS AGAIN, LOSER! THIS ISN’T OVER! EVEN IF _ I _ CAN’T CROSS THAT BARRIER, I’VE STILL GOT PLENTY OF PAWNS IN THIS HICK TOWN! AND EVEN IF YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE TO KEEP THE RIFT LONG ENOUGH FOR THAT GLUE TO SET?  _ I’VE BEEN WAITING BILLIONS OF YEARS FOR THIS! YOU THINK I CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER  _ **_DECADE_ ** _ FOR SOME OTHER SCHMUCK TO COME ALONG AND BUILD A PORTAL!?  _ **_YOU CAN’T STOP ME! AND I’LL MAKE SURE THE ENTIRE PINES FAMILY REGRETS EVER CROSSING BILL CIPHER!_ ** ”

Bill pulled out a time tape and disappeared in a flash.

The elder Pines twins stood there in silence for a moment, staring at the empty space Bill had just left as if they could still see the anger and hatred radiating from it. 

Stan, of course, was the first one to speak again. “We gotta talk.”

Ford just nodded solemnly, and followed him inside. 

  
  
  


* * *

After Stan finally convinced Mabel to go inside, she’d waited silently, peeking out the nearest window. Stan had probably wanted her to go someplace where she couldn’t hear or see what was happening, but she just had to know everyone was going to be ok. She didn’t want her Grunkle  _ or  _ Blendin to get hurt, even if the time traveler  _ was  _ acting weirder than usual. 

The air froze in her lungs when she heard Bill’s voice come out of Blendin’s mouth. She wanted to run back out there and warn Stan, but he’d asked her to go inside for her own safety, and Stan hadn’t trusted the time traveler from the beginning, so he would probably be fine… right?

Luckily she didn’t have to wait by the window worrying for long. Less than a minute later, Ford came crashing and banging down the hall. His serious glare lightened to relief for the split second he spared his niece a glance, but then snapped right back to blazing fury as he kicked the door open. Mabel heaved a sigh of relief. If anyone could handle Bill showing up at their front door, it was Grunkle Ford.

She peeked back out the window and watched as her Grunkles exchanged words with Bill. They both approached the problem very differently. Ford was yelling with a bravado that faltered the minute Bill pointed out a flaw in his plan. Stan was treating Bill much like he had Gideon. Outwardly, he seemed calm and unworried, but the fact that he’d sent Mabel inside and  _ fired a gun _ showed he took the threat seriously. 

Bill’s last threat before he time traveled away sent a chill down Mabel’s spine. She remembered the last time she’d crossed paths with the demon. The note he’d left for her in Grunkle Stan’s car. She couldn’t let Dipper down like that again, couldn’t let him get hurt like that again. They needed each other now more than ever.

Of course, it was some reassurance to know that the barrier spell Grunkle Ford had created was obviously working. That was probably the only reason Bill hadn’t marched right up the porch steps and taken her himself. Mabel was doubly glad she’d been able to get that unicorn hair now.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Stan and Ford came back inside. Ford stopped like he’d just remembered something when he saw Mabel still sitting there. 

“I left Dipper hiding down in the lab! I need to go let him know what happened.”

Stan folded his arms impatiently. “Alright, but make it quick, and if you’re not back up here in ten minutes, I’m coming down after you. I’m serious about that talk.”

Mabel decided to follow Ford down to the secret lab. She was suddenly very concerned about Dipper and his whereabouts. Ford didn’t seem to mind; he just gave her a tired smile when they both stopped at the vending machine to input the code. As the two of them got into the elevator, Mabel wondered if this was a good time to confront her Grunkle about the apprenticeship he’d offered Dipper. But no, Mabel was pretty sure she’d just get mad again, and she didn’t want to feel mad right now. She just wanted to be sure her family was safe. So the elevator ride passed in an uncomfortable silence.

When they arrived in the lab, it appeared empty. Only after Ford stepped out of the elevator and past an oozing pink orb on the floor did Dipper emerge from his hiding spot. It was a pretty good hiding spot, behind what looked like a periscope designed to look like part of the totem pole outside. 

“Mabel!” The boy rushed to hug her immediately. “What happened? Wh-where’s Grunkle Stan, is he alright?”

“Stan is fine, he’s just waiting upstairs.” Ford assured him. “Bill came possessing a time travel agent.”

“He was pretending to be Blendin!” Mabel elaborated. “He wanted me and Grunkle Stan to get something out of the lab for him to stop something terrible from happening in the future!”

“Luckily, Stan recognized him as a threat.” Ford continued. “That was the gunshot we heard earlier.”

Dipper paled and pulled at his hair. “Ohmigosh, did Grunkle Stan  _ kill  _ Blendin!?”

Ford actually chuckled as he got down on one knee and placed a comforting hand on Dipper’s shoulder. “It was just a warning shot. Don’t worry, nobody got hurt. But Bill was  _ furious  _ when I told him I’d sealed the rift. I’m afraid we’re not done protecting it yet.”

“What’s this rift you keep talking about?” Mabel asked. “And what’s that sparkly pink ball of glitter-glue in the middle of the floor?”

“I’ll explain once we get back upstairs. Stan has made it quite clear he wants to talk about what’s going on.” Ford assured her.

  
  
  
  


* * *

They found Stan waiting in the gift shop, leaning against the checkout counter and tapping his foot in an agitated rhythm. 

“Finally. Now you two kids go to your room, the grown-ups have to have a talk.”

“Stanley, they deserve an explanation just as much as you do! Besides, Dipper already knows.”

“Of course he already knows, you asked the kid to stay here without ever botherin’ to talk to anybody else about it!”

“Who even told you… what does this have to do with the rift?”

“Rift? Wha-- I don’t care what you an’ pudgy out there were yellin’ about, I wanna know how come you’re askin’ your 12-year-old nephew to move in!”

Ford rolled his eyes and groaned with frustration. And here he thought they were finally on the same page for once. “That hardly matters right now! Stopping Bill and protecting the rift should be our top priority! Now, I’m sorry I kept this from the two of you up until now, but I honestly thought it would be safer if you knew as little as possible.Obviously, just the opposite was true.” He omitted the fact that he’d been reluctant to let Mabel know about the rift after seeing her break an entire shelf-full of snow globe souvenirs in the gift shop. 

“Don’t try an’ change the subject, Sixer!” Stan pointed an accusing finger at his brother.

“Grunkle Stan, this is more important!” Dipper interjected exasperatedly.

Mabel tugged at the old conman’s sleeve. “They’re right.” Mabel agreed gently. “Besides, I want to know what’s going on and why Bill was here.”

“Fine.” Stan hissed through gritted teeth. “But we’re havin’ this conversation later, no gettin’ out of it!”

They all had a seat around the card table in the den, and Ford began his explanation. “Bill Cipher is an extradimensional being trying to break his way into our world. Dipper and Mabel have already encountered him--”

“I read all your Journals, genius, I know who Bill Cipher is.” Stan snapped. “But I thought he was some annoying triangle guy who showed up in your dreams, not some pushy time traveler.”

“If you read my Journals  _ thoroughly _ ” Ford said testily, “You’d know he’s capable of tricking people into allowing him to possess them.”

Stan grimaced, probably remembering a few particular passages from Journal 3. “Oh.”

“Not long after I first came to Gravity Falls, I was stupid enough to let Bill trick me. He convinced me that building a portal to another dimension would give me the answers I sought, but what he really wanted was to bring his dimension, the Nightmare Realm, into ours.”

“Yeah, but… then Grunkle Stan got you out of there and the portal was super broken, so we don’t have to worry about him anymore, right?” Mabel asked uncertainly, holding vainly onto hope.

“No.” Ford replied with an icy glare at his brother. “Stanley’s reckless operation of the portal created a rift: an unstable hole in space and time that Bill could use to enter our dimension and plunge the world into a bizarre doomsday I call ‘Weirdmaggedon’.”

Stan snorted. “Still got a flair for names, huh?”

“Stanley, would you take this seriously!?”

“What? I heard you say earlier you sealed the rift, and then that jerk exploded. He wouldn’t’ve gotten mad like that unless what you did  _ really  _ screwed with his plans. From what he was sayin’ I’d guess we’ve got another decade at least until we have to deal with that guy.”

“ _ If _ the rift is sealed properly, then yes, we’ll have bought some time while Bill searches for another pawn to manipulate, but after what he said earlier, I’m afraid the alien adhesive I used to seal it won’t set as quickly as I had hoped, leaving the rift vulnerable.”

“Eh, he was just sayin’ that to psych you out.” Stan waved his hand dismissively.

“Wait, alien adhesive? Is that what that glass ball of glitter-glue was?” Mabel asked.

“That was the containment unit I was using to keep the rift stable. Once it started cracking, I began searching for something to close it up for good. Just earlier today, Dipper and I were able to retrieve the adhesive without any trouble. I sealed up the rift with glue, then filled the containment dome, just to be safe.”

Mabel slapped her forehead. “Grunkle Ford, haven’t you ever heard of ‘ _ A Little Dab’ll Do Ya _ ’?” 

“What?” Ford asked in confusion. 

“When you’re using glue, you only use just enough to get things to stick together!” Mabel explained. “If you use too much, it’ll take forever to dry! If I filled whole ball with Schmelmer’s glue like that, I don’t think it’d  _ ever  _ dry!”

“Can’t you just spray it with a setting agent?” Stan asked. Everyone stared at him in surprise. “What? I use a lot of crafting glue makin’ exhibits for the Shack!”

“I couldn’t use a two-part epoxy because the energy of the chemical reaction would destabilize the rift.” Ford shook his head. “It needs to crystalize naturally, or it will leave seams in time-space that Bill could use.”

“Well, how long will it take to crystalize naturally?” Dipper asked.

Ford hesitated. “I had hoped it would take a little over 24 hours, but…”

“Not if it’s trapped inside a ball like that.” Mabel shook her head. “Can you get it out?”

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose frustratedly. “I’d have to chip away the dome. It’s not just glass, it’s a special substance as strong as steel. But, it  _ has  _ already started cracking, I suppose if I can expand those cracks enough…”

“So, are we still in danger of the rift destabilizing?” Dipper asked.

“Not spontaneously, no.” Ford assured him. “I wouldn’t recommend using it as a football or anything, but even when wet, the adhesive will act as a binding agent and keep the hole in time-space closed. It would take a large burst of energy, or deliberately trying to pierce through the rift in order to open it.”

“And that’s probably what Bill’s gonna try to do.” Dipper said gravely.

“Well we’re not gonna let him!” Mabel declared, slamming her fist down on the table. 

“That’s the spirit!” Ford allowed himself a small smile. He pulled out Journal 3 and turned to a blank page. “Bill said he still had pawns in Gravity Falls. We need to make a list of potential threats to be on the look-out for. Who would be most likely to work with Bill?”

“Gideon!” Mabel answered immediately. “Me and Soos saw him summon Bill earlier this summer!”

“Soos and I.” Ford corrected automatically. He’d only heard about this Gideon from a couple of entries Dipper had added to Journal 3. All he knew about the kid was that he’d apparently had romantic interests in Mabel, hired McGucket to build a giant mech-bot of himself, and was now in jail. It was also clear from the entries that Dipper did not have a high opinion of him. 

“That little troll’s in jail, what’s he gonna do? Use his one phone call to prank us?” Stan rolled his eyes.

“With Bill’s help, there’s no telling what he could do from behind bars.” Ford warned. “But, Stanley does have a point. Are there any other possible pawns who would have easier access to the outside world?”

They all sat there thinking for a moment before Dipper offered his own answer. “I remember seeing a tapestry with Bill on it in the Northwest’s mansion. I don’t know if they realized what it is though, I think they just buy up any local Native American artefacts on principle. It makes them look like they care about the people, when really they’re just trying to keep how horrible Nathaniel Northwest was from getting out and ruining their image.”

“The Northwests have a lot of power over this town. If Bill is working with one of them, protecting the rift will be all the more difficult..” Ford said somberly.

“Luckily, we have an insider with the Northwests!” Mabel grinned. “I’ll call Pacifica tomorrow and ask her to come over and hang out! We can ask her if she’s noticed anything weird about her family then!”

“Good.” Ford nodded. “Anyone else?”

“Eh… pretty sure Toby Determined would sell his soul for a date with Shandra Jimenez.” Stan grunted.

“Noted.” Ford jotted down all their suggestions before continuing. “These are all people we should keep an eye on, but they’re also the most obvious answers… aside from this Toby fellow. Bill will undoubtedly know we suspect them. He doesn’t just work with dangerously unhinged people. Think, is there anyone you wouldn’t normally suspect, who Bill could trick into helping him? Someone with access to this house?”

The three other Pines around the tabel all shared a glance and shrugged.

“Soos  _ is  _ pretty impressionable, but he was there with us when we drove Bill out of Stan’s mind. He knows that triangle guy is bad news.” Mabel answered. “What about Wendy?”

“No way!” Dipper replied vehemently. “Wendy’s way too smart to fall for Bill’s tricks!”

“Unfortunately, being smart has very little to do with it.” Ford reminded him.

“Y-yeah, but…” Dipper stammered. “She’s a different kind of smart! She’s really skeptical and good at reading people. She could tell I had a crush on her, even though I never said anything!” 

Mabel giggled. “That’s because you were really obvious, bro-bro.”

The boy blushed. “Well, what about your friends?”

“You mean Candy and Grenda?” Mabel asked. “I don’t think so. I told them about Bill when we went to get the unicorn hair.”

“Then you would have told Wendy about him too!”

“Oh yeah!” Mabel remembered. “I’m not sure she believed me though. She definitely didn’t believe in unicorns before we found one.”

“Well, that’s everyone who comes here on a regular basis.” Stan leaned back in his chair. “Besides, y’know, the dozens of tourists who come through the gift shop every day.”

Ford paled. “All he would have to do is convince one tourist… Stanley why on Earth did you think it was a good idea to build a gift shop in the same room as the lab entrance!?”

“The best hiding spots are always in plain sight, genius!” Stan retorted. “You don’t gotta worry, tourist season is wrappin’ up, traffic’s gone down a lot. Shouldn’t be too hard to keep an eye on things.”

“You’re out giving your so-called ‘tours’ half the time.”

“Then I’ll ask Soos to keep an eye on the entrance.”

“No, he’s far too easily distracted.  _ I’ll  _ stay in the gift shop and guard the entrance.” Ford insisted.

Stan rolled his eyes. “That’s just gonna draw attention to it, knucklehead! Look, I got security cameras. If you really gotta watch the vending machine every minute, you can watch the video feed from my office.”

“Fine.”

“Welp, would you look at that! We’ve discussed who the heck Bill Cipher is, what he wants, and what we’re gonna do about it!” Stan stood up from his chair abruptly. “Guess this conversation’s over. And would you look at the time! Time to get you kids up to bed!”

“But it’s still light out!” Dipper protested.

“The sun sets really late out here in the summer. You don’t know what time it is!” Stan began to push the kids out of the room.

“I have a watch! It’s only like 7:30!”

Stan quickly swiped the watch off his nephew’s wrist. “What watch? I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. It’s bedtime!”

The young twins, seeing that trying to reason with Stan at this point was an exercise in futility, reluctantly allowed themselves to be shepherded upstairs. 

In the short amount of time while they were gone, Stanford found his mind wandering back to one particular thing Bill had said.

_ “I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU AS MUCH AS I DO WHO CAN! WHADDAYA SAY, MAC? CARE TO HELP ME STICK IT TO YOUR UNGRATEFUL BROTHER?” _

Bill was a liar. Of course this was a lie too, right? Stan didn’t  _ hate  _ him, right? Stan had immediately turned Bill down, after all.  _ That might just be because he knew Bill was dangerous though… because he just wanted to protect the kids…. _

“Alright, you’d better have one heck of an explanation.” Stan returned and Ford was reminded of just why he was so mad at his brother.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I needed  _ your  _ permission to invite someone to move into _ my own house _ !”

“It’s not my permission you need! Have you even  _ talked  _ to their parents yet?”

“Well, no…” Ford admitted. “But it’d be a waste of time to ask them if it turns out Dipper isn’t interested. And besides, I’m sure they’d be thrilled at the opportunity to accelerate their son’s education.”

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You don’t know their mom, Poindexter. She expects a letter from her kids every week.”

“Well, I’m sure we could keep up that tradition.”

“And every time she calls lately, she’s been goin’ on and on about how excited she is to see her ‘little lamby’ again. She’s not gonna be  _ thrilled  _ her son isn’t coming home.”

Ford rolled his eyes. “You make it sound as if he’s going to  _ die _ ! We’ll make time to go visit the family between projects, and I know communications technology has made huge advancements in the last 30 years. I saw your handyman communicating via a two-way video stream just last night.”

“That’s not the same as him actually being there!” Stan shouted. “He’s still just a kid, Stanford! He still needs his parents!”

“Alright, alright, I’ll call their parents and talk to them about it!” Ford relented. “Is that all?”

“No that’s not all!” Stan fumed, “It’s bad enough you’re offering Dipper an apprenticeship without gettin’ an OK from their parents first, but where do you get off excluding Mabel?”

Ford was taken aback. “I’m not  _ excluding  _ her.”

“You gave Dipper an opportunity to stay here with you, but not her. That’s pretty much the definition of excluding! Earlier today she was almost in tears about having to leave Gravity Falls and bein’ scared of the future. I had to give her a big ol’ pep-talk about how growin’ old is mandatory, but growin’ up is optional, and that even if her future ain’t so bright, at least she’s got her brother. Then, not even an hour later, you two come back from your science shenanigans and she goes wailing out to the front porch! All ‘cuz you want Dipper but not her!”

“It’s not like that at all!” Ford bristled. “Mabel has vastly different interests than Dipper. I couldn’t provide her with the same kind of quality education I could give him! At best I could give her a few tips about detailed pen sketching and blueprint drafting. The most I know about knitting is that I feel comfortable in a soft sweater, and she’d have to be the one to teach  _ me  _ about social structure and modern culture.”

“Oh, so that makes it ok to take her brother away?”

“I’m not ‘taking him away’! Dipper would be free to visit his family in California whenever he’s not busy!” Ford flushed with anger. “And since I’ll be his only teacher, he’ll be able to request time off and breaks very easily. His schedule will be much more flexible than at a traditional university or college.”

“He’s freakin’  _ twelve  _ Stanford! He hasn’t even finished Junior High yet! Why are you so eager to start him on grown-up school already?”

“Why wait? Dipper is intelligent, resourceful, and a fast learner. He’d already started following in my footsteps before we even met, I’m just helping him continue on that path. And it’s not ‘grown-up school’. We’d be studying and researching the weirdness of Gravity Falls together.”

“He’s not an adult, Ford, he still needs time to be a kid! He can’t be your new research assistant! Now answer my question:  _ why can’t you just wait until he’s older? _ ”

“Because I don’t want to be alone anymore!” 

Ford’s last statement hung in the air, reverberating like a pin dropped in an empty theater. The old researcher couldn’t believe his emotions had gotten the better of him like that. Just like that, a statement he wasn’t even comfortable admitting to himself had slipped out. He couldn’t even begin to defend or explain what he’d just said. 

Stan’s eyes widened at the unexpected outburst, but his face quickly morphed back into the scowl Stanford was all too familiar with.

“Oh, you don’t wanna be alone, huh? Well, maybe you shoulda thought of that before you  _ kicked me out of the house come the end of Summer! _ ”

“Wait, what?” Ford asked, perplexed.

“Oh, don’t play dumb!” Stan accused. “That first night after I brought you home, you said I could stay here the rest of the summer to watch the kids, then I gotta hit the road.”

“That’s  _ not  _ what I said!” Ford objected. “I said you could stay upstairs and take care of the kids and run your ‘Mystery Shack’ until the end of the summer, so you can continue bringing in enough money to take care of them. But once the summer is over, I want-- no, I  _ need  _ my home and my identity back. And I’m not going to allow you to continue running a glorified freak show that goes against everything I’ve worked for!”

“And why would I stay, if you’re gonna make me shut down my livelihood?” 

Ford’s breath hitched as the memory of Bill’s words echoed in his head once again.  _ I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU AS MUCH AS I DO. _

“Well, for one, I’m going to need your help undoing your  _ identity theft _ .” The old researcher continued after pushing the thought to the back of his head. “And… I know you haven’t got anywhere else to go. I’m not going to just throw you out. I’m not  _ Dad _ , Stanley.”

Stan stared at his brother with a mixture of surprise and some more complex emotions Ford couldn’t name. 

“Y-yeah, well…” The old conman seemed, for once, to be at a loss for words.

Ford just wished he knew what his brother was thinking. The old researcher had never been good at reading people, but as a child, Stan, at least, was someone he always understood. But now, his brother was even more of an enigma than the average stranger. Ford found himself on the verge of asking… _ do you really hate me? _

“Dang it, this isn’t about us!” Stan snapped, “Stop making this about us! It’s about the kids!”

“ _ I’m _ making it about us?  _ You’re  _ the one who started complaining about something I didn’t even say!” Ford huffed a frustrated sigh. He was tired. Tired from a long day and tired of fighting. “Look, if this whole apprenticeship thing is bothering Mabel so much, I’ll talk to her about staying here too. I can’t give her the kind of education she needs, but perhaps I can find someone who can.”

Stan threw his hands up in disbelief. “Seriously!? Unbelievable! Have you even listened to a word I’ve said, this whole conversation!?”

“Obviously I have, otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed with your demands to call the kids’ parents and include Mabel in the apprenticeship offer. Nor would I have caught your erroneous assumption that you have the leave at the end of the summer.”

“The whole point I’ve been tryin’ to make to you this whole time is that ya can’t just take these kids away from their home!”.

“I’m  _ not  _ taking them away from their home. You said the two of them have been here for over two months.”

“Yeah, and then they’re goin’ back home next weekend. To their parents. To their  _ real  _ lives.”

“Life is just as real here.” Ford said with finality. “I told you, I’ll talk to their parents tomorrow. That should settle it.”

Stan’s scowl deepened. “Yeah, yeah I guess it will.”


	2. Better to Say too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pines family does their best to prepare for whatever Bill's planning next, and Ford gets a wake-up call.

The attic bedroom was filled with awkward silence after Stan forced them to go to bed early. They each lay in their beds, trying to look occupied with reading or knitting, but still glancing over at the other every few seconds. Finally, they both couldn't take the quiet any more.

"Dipper, I'm--"

"Mabel, are you--"

They both laughed awkwardly.

"You first." Dipper offered.

"I… I'm really worried about Bill coming back." Mabel admitted, "you got really hurt the last time, and you could've been hurt way worse if we hadn't been able to stop him at the puppet show. I don't want something like that to happen again. It's more important than ever that we look out for each other."

"It'll be ok, Mabel." Dipper assured her. "Bill can't get to us as long as we're inside the barrier."

A small smile spread across her lips, but she didn't look completely comforted. "What were you gonna say?"

Dipper fidgeted with his sheets. "I was gonna ask… are you still mad at me?"

Mabel glanced back down at her knitting. She was, a little bit. But she couldn’t say that after she’d just told her brother how important it was that they look out for each other. “Well… I haven’t changed my mind about how I feel about you taking Ford’s apprenticeship. But, I know you need more time to think about it, so… I’m just not gonna talk about it for now.”

“So that’s a yes?” Dipper read between the lines.

The colorful girl frowned. “Blargh! I don’t wanna be mad at you, especially not right now, but I just-- I don’t want things to change! I like the way my life is now!”

“Things can’t stay frozen like this forever Mabel, that’s just how life works. Things change.”

Mabel buried herself into her blankets. “I guess.” She mumbled sullenly. “Let’s just not talk about it right now, OK? I know you want time to think about it.”

“Ok, but we _do_ need to talk about this at some point.”

“I already told you what I think about it.”

“Yeah, but we need to talk about it when we’re both calm and not super emotional. I’m not gonna make a decision without your input.”

Mabel poked her head back out of her blankets. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Dipper affirmed, “You were right, this affects you too.”

That certainly made Mabel feel a little better. But it also made her a little anxious. She was going to have to come up with a calm, rational, Dipper-friendly explanation for why she thought the apprenticeship with Ford was a bad idea beyond just ‘You are my brother and I don’t want you to leave me’.

  
  
  


* * *

Sunlight was just barely beginning to filter through the darkness when Stan was awoken by the sound of power tools the next morning. He groggily rose out of bed, wondering if Soos had come in early and started on some repairs around the shack. It wouldn’t be the first time. As the racket continued, Stan once again found himself wondering how the heck the kids could sleep through all this noise. Upon reaching the gift shop, Stan found not Soos, but Ford, in the middle of messing with the security cameras. 

“...Did you even sleep last night?” Stan asked, still half-asleep.

“No, I spent most of the night attempting to crack open the containment unit.” Ford replied without turning around. Apparently he’d seen his brother coming on the security feed. “I only managed to expand the crack another millimeter or so, but it’s clear that Mabel was right. It’s curing more slowly within the dome.”

“Uh... “ Whatever his brother had just said went right over Stan’s still sleep-addled head. “What’re you doin’ up here?”

“You _said_ I could use your security cameras to monitor the secret entrance to the lab." Ford reminded him. "You also said if I stayed in here, it would attract too much attention. So I'm rerouting the feed to the den."

"I _said_ you could watch the video feed from my office.”

"It takes exactly forty-three seconds for me to run downstairs from your office to the secret entrance. In that time someone could input the code and be halfway down the elevator. I'm going to be set up right on the other side of that door." Ford pointed to the _Employees Only_ sign that led into the den.

"Why don't you just change it over to a wireless feed, while you're at it." Stan rolled his eyes. 

"That’s what I’m doing." Ford answered, not realizing his brother's question had been both rhetorical and sarcastic. 

“Fine. Just don’t forget, you’re supposed to call Dipper ‘n Mabel’s parents today.” Stan reminded him.

Ford checked his watch. “I doubt they’re up at this hour.”

“Then why the heck are _you_ up doin’ this!?”

“I need to finish before you open this place up to tours.”

Stan gave a roaring yawn. “Oh yeah, that reminds me.” He taped an _Out of Order_ sign up on the vending machine. “So you don’t come charging in guns ablazing every time some schmuck wants a cheese log.”

“Good thinking.” Ford said simply.

“Welp, I’m already up. Might as well start makin’ breakfast.” Stan scratched his rear and turned to leave. He almost asked Ford if he wanted anything, but thought better of it. His brother at least came upstairs to have dinner with the family most days, but Stan never saw him eat any other meals. Dipper had mentioned something about nutrition pills at some point. Stan thought that was an affront against nature and taste buds, but hey, if it meant one less mouth to feed, he wasn’t going to complain.

  
  
  


* * *

Ford did finish his upgrade of the security cameras before the Mystery Shack opened, although it hardly mattered. The only people there that morning were Wendy and Soos.

“Aw man, the vending machine’s out of order again?” Wendy complained when she saw the sign taped up on its front.

“Eh, not exactly.” Stan shrugged. “My brother’s got some super-dangerous ball of glitter-glue down there, and this jerk called Bill wants to steal it. I figured it was safer just to not let anybody use the vending machine. I did the same thing right after those agents started snooping around.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot there really is a secret passage back there!” Wendy recalled “That’s so weird, I had a dream about that last night.” 

The _Employees Only_ door slammed open and Ford loomed into the gift shop.

"Oh, hey Stan Two." Wendy greeted him, as if it were perfectly normal for your boss' long-lost twin to suddenly barge in on a conversation.

"Tell me _everything_ you can remember about this dream." The old researcher demanded.

"Well, that's what was really weird about it. I don't normally remember my dreams, but this one was really vivid." Wendy explained.

"Yes, and what happened?"

"Uh, I opened up the secret passage behind the vending machine… then there were like _stairs_ leading to an elevator? That was really weird. Then when I got out of the elevator there were like, I dunno, balloons or bubbles or something everywhere? Dipper was down there, but he was weird too. Kinda like when he went nuts during Mabel's puppet show last month? Anyway, he handed me my axe and wanted me to start popping the bubbles, or whatever they were. Like I said, man, it was weird."

"How did it end?" Ford asked frantically.

"Uh, I think I woke up after he gave me the axe."

"Did you make any deals? Did you shake his hand!?"

"Nnnnnooo?" Wendy replied, starting to feel a little weirded out.

Ford grabbed her by the shoulders. "This is gravely serious. Your dreams were invaded last night by Bill Cipher."

"Wait, you mean like that jerk Mabel needed the unicorn hair to get rid of?"

"Yes, and he's trying to convince you to cut open the rift I already sealed! What exactly did he say to you?"

"Who, you mean the Dipper in my dream?"

"Yes, I'm almost certain that was Bill in disguise. Did he have yellow eyes?"

Wendy looked genuinely spooked now. "How… how did you know that?"

" _What did he say to you?_ " Ford repeated forcefully.

"Relax, Captain Paranoid." Stan stepped between his brother and his employee. 

"I am _not_ paranoid!!" Ford shouted. "There is no possible way she could just _coincidentally_ dream all those details, it _has to_ be Bill!"

"I know, alright, but you're freaking her out!"

To the untrained eye, Wendy just looked mildly perturbed, but Stan had known her long enough to know _mildly perturbed_ for Wendy was _on the verge of a panic attack_ for an average person.

Ford tried to reel in his frantic, fearful energy, but he still needed to know what happened. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to frighten you, it's just--"

"I'm not frightened." Wendy insisted. "It's just a lot to take in, ya know?" She paused and thought back to her dream. "He just handed me my axe, and said 'Have at it, Red!' and that's not how Dipper talks to me, so I woke up."

Stan could practically see the gears turning in Ford’s head as the old researcher tried to guess what Bill was up to. The old conman was pretty worried about the whole thing himself; he honestly hadn’t thought Bill would bother anyone outside their immediate family, but he wasn’t about to let any of that show. Wendy was freaked out enough as it was. 

“Thank you… Wendy, was it?” Ford finally said. “For now, you needn’t worry. Just be cautious if you have any more strange dreams: don’t shake anyone’s _hand_ , don’t make any _deals_ , and don’t burst any bubbles, balloons, or other dome-like things.”

“Yeah, sure.” Wendy nodded, which Stan knew was probably the strongest affirmative she’d ever give any adult. 

“Do you dudes wanna hear about the weird dream _I_ had last night?” Soos asked.

“Yes.” Ford said gravely.

“Oh boy.” Stan just rolled his eyes.

“Ok, so I was at Beryl City Nerdic Con with Melody, only she wasn’t actually there in person, she was just there on my laptop that I had to carry around with me, and I was trying to go to a panel where Mr. Pines was the guest speaker, except the room kept on getting changed, so I was running all over the convention center, but I had to be careful not to drop my laptop, or Melody couldn’t see what was happening. And then they moved the panel to a tent _outside…_ ”

Stan pulled Wendy aside while Soos continued the ramble on. “Hey, kid, we’re pretty slow today, so if you’re not feelin’ great after last night--”

“I’m _fine_ , Mr. Pines.” The girl insisted. But the fact that she’d passed up an opportunity to get out of work for the day was practically a blinking sign advertising the fact that she was definitely _not_ fine. 

“If you say so.” Stan folded his arms. “But like I said, we’re slow. Do me a favor an’ go check on the kids. I haven’t seen either of ‘em all morning.”

“Yeah, alright.” She walked through the _Employees Only_ door and into the main part of the house. Stan was sure Dipper and Mabel would do a better job of explaining what was going on and comforting the teen than his brother had. Of course, Ford had set the bar pretty low.

“... So I spent like, the next twenty minutes of the dream working on this dude’s engine. And when I’m finally done, instead of asking him to give me a ride to the panel, I just keep walking! I didn’t even realize I could’ve asked him that until we were like a block down the street and Melody brought it up! So then it started raining--”

“Soos,” Ford finally interrupted the handyman’s long winded retelling. “Were there yellow eyes at any point in this dream?” 

“Uh, not that I remember.”

“Did you ever shake anyone’s hand?”

“Nah, I had to keep holding on to Melody’s laptop.”

“Did you make a deal with anyone?”

“Well, I did start working at that restaurant, and fix that one dude’s truck. But those weren’t really deals, I don’t think. I just saw jobs that needed to be done.”

“Then I think I can say with certainty that Bill Cipher did _not_ enter your dreams last night.”

“Heheh, what a relief! So anyway, once we got to the tent where the panel was being held…”

  
  
  


* * *

Mabel had been texting back and forth with Pacifica since she’d gotten up that morning. 

**Pacifica, I have a weird question for you**

**I thought I told you to delete this number**

**And for the last time, it wasn’t actually a hug**

**No, not about you and diper**

***Dipper**

**Have your parents been acting weird lately?**

**What do you mean they’re never weird**

**They’re the opposite of weird**

**They’re just really rich and controlling**

**I mean have they been acting different from usual?**

**No they’re just mad at me**

**why?**

**Its a long story. Come over later and ill tell you about it!!!**

**Can’t**

**I’m super grounded after the photoshoot thing**

**Do we need to come rescue you???!?!**

**No please don’t I’ll just get in more trouble**

**:( :( :(**

**Well let me know if you have any weird dreams or anything**

**Why what’s going on?**

**I don’t think its safe to talk bout it over phone**

**Are you ok?**

**:D :D :D :D**

**Yeah im fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**I helped Grunkle Ford set up a protection spell**

**You remember he was the one you said looked like hot Stan**

**OMG SHUT UP!!**

The colorful girl hadn’t heard back from her crazy rich rival since that last comment, but at least it seemed nothing was up with the Northwests. Mabel sighed as she hugged Waddles and scrolled back up through their conversation. She may have stretched the truth a bit with Pacifica. “Fine” probably wasn’t the right word for how she felt. But she didn’t want her friend to worry about her. 

She was interrupted from her thoughts by a knock on the door. 

“What up, dudes?” Wendy called from the other side.

Mabel finally got up out of bed and opened the door to her teenaged friend. “Wendy! What are you doing up here?”

“Stan asked me to come check on you guys.” She shrugged. “Hey, where’s Dipper?”

“I think he’s on the roof. He… he needed some time to himself for thinking.”

“Well, he’d better be done, ‘cuz I need to talk to him.” Wendy said sternly.

Mabel led the ginger teen over to the nearest window with access to the roof. It wasn’t necessary, Wendy knew her way around the Shack, but the colorful girl needed an excuse to get up and out of her room. Once Wendy was outside, Waddles started thumping down the stairs, probably in search of a late breakfast. Mabel followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

Stan had made bacon and cheesy eggs, although they’d gone cold by the time Mabel reached them. Oh well, it was nothing a few seconds in the microwave couldn’t fix. The girl scooped the eggs into a bowl and nuked them for a few seconds. Waddles sniffed at the food on the table above him.

“No Waddles!” Mabel admonished him, pushing away the plate of bacon. “That’s cannibalism!”

Once it was warmed, she scooped half her eggs directly into the pig’s mouth, then proceeded to eat the rest herself. After finishing breakfast, she made a beeline for the livingroom and the TV, intent on watching Saturday morning cartoons. The den and the livingroom kind of bled into each other, and when Mabel sat down on the recliner in front of the TV, she couldn’t help but notice Ford sitting at the card table around the corner, intently watching his own screen. 

The girl wondered if this was the right time to finally confront Ford about the apprenticeship thing. They were alone in the house at the moment, but he looked busy. Then she remembered. Ford had said he wanted to watch the security cameras to make sure no tourists tried to get into the lab today! Mabel knew better than to try and interrupt that, so she just flipped on the TV instead. 

The sound of the TV turning on, however, alerted Ford to her presence. The old researcher looked up at her, then back down at his screen, then glanced at the door, back at the screen, and finally back up at Mabel again.

"Mabel, may I speak with you for a moment?" He asked.

Mabel's brain tripped all over itself. This was her chance, but what was she supposed to say? How could she explain to her Grunkle how what he was offering Dipper was hurting her? Would he get mad at her? Was she going to lose control of her emotions and get mad at him?

Her apprehension must have been apparent, because Ford crossed the room and knelt down beside her, getting on her eye level. "I want you to know, it was never my intention to hurt you by offering Dipper the apprenticeship. I guessed it might upset you, but I didn't realize just how strongly you'd react, or how terrible my timing was. I'm afraid I can't give you the same kind of personalized education I can give your brother, the kind of education you deserve, but you're welcome to stay here too, if you wish."

The girl was stunned, unsure of how to react. Her thoughts, which had already been scrambling to figure out how to confront Ford, were knocked completely off-course. Wasn’t this what she wanted? More time in Gravity Falls? More time to spend with her new family and friends? More time to have adventures with her brother? Or had her new Grunkle’s offer just made her situation worse? If Mabel stayed in Gravity Falls, she wouldn’t get to go to school with her old friends, wouldn’t get to go home to her mom and dad, or her cat, back in Piedmont. 

“...Mabel?” Ford asked when she hesitated.

“I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but you’re not!” She finally cried. “You’re making me choose between my brother and my parents!”

“Mabel, no--”

“Yes, you are!” She maintained, with tears in her eyes. “I know you’ve been alone for a long time, and you’re mad at your brother, b-but you’ve got to understand how hard a decision you’re asking us to make!”

The old researcher was obviously distressed that he’d made his niece cry, but he went on talking anyway.

“Mabel, I _do_ realize how difficult a decision this is... and you don’t have to make that decision right away. I just-- just realized it wasn’t fair to not at least give you that option. And I know you’re capable. You’ve already made several difficult decisions this summer, from what I’ve heard.”

“So what’s one more, right?” She cried indignantly, wiping furiously away at her tears and storming off. 

Unfortunately, the sounds of their argument had attracted Stan. He poked his head in from the gift shop just in time to see Mabel’s aggrieved exit. The old conman entered the room, and if looks could kill, Ford would have been dead on the spot. 

“What. Did you. _Do_?” 

  
  
  


* * *

The roof held its fair share of bad memories for Dipper. It was where Wax Sherlock Holmes had tried to kill him, where Tyrone had melted, where Bill had first tried to make a deal with him. But there were some good memories too. It was where he’d first started hanging out with Wendy, where he’d lit off fireworks with Grunkle Stan and Mabel, where he still liked to go when he needed someplace to think. It was some peace and quiet away from his raucous family members. Dipper definitely got why Ford spent so much time in the basement. 

Today it was especially nice. The weather was cooling as fall approached, and a pleasant breeze whispered through the treetops. The sun-warmed shingles were just the right temperature, making a comfortable seat. 

Dipper needed the tranquil environment. He had a lot on his mind, and a big decision to make. Today was the first time since Ford had offered him the apprenticeship that he had an opportunity to stop and really consider his options. So far, the boy had compiled a detailed pros and cons chart, and was currently in the process of reviewing that list and giving each item a weighted score. Pros like “Don’t have to ride bus back to Piedmont” only got one point, while pros like “Get to explore UFO” got ten. The cons were rated on a similar scale, with the worst one, “Don’t go home with Mabel”, getting a score of eleven, because it was a _very_ bad con. 

“Hmmm, get to hang out with Wendy after school… Would that be a six or a seven? Mabey an eight?” He mumbled to himself.

“I’d go with eight. I might be biased though.” Wendy’s voice replied behind him.

The boy’s face flushed the same shade of red as the teen’s hair. “W-wendy! I-I’m sorry, I didn’t notice you there! It’s not--I’m not--I just wanna hang out as friends, I swear!”

“Don’t sweat it, man!” She punched him playfully in the arm. “I’m the one who snuck up on you.”

“Heh.” Dipper forced out an awkward chuckle. “Did you come up here to escape work?”

“Eh, sorta.” Wendy waggled her hand in a so-so motion. “Stan asked me to check on you dudes.”

“Oh. Yeah, everyone’s kinda freaked out right now ‘cuz Bill showed up yesterday. He tried to make a deal with Mabel and Stan, and then when he couldn’t, he got angry and started making threats. Ford’s got something he wants, but it’s safe, thanks to that unicorn hair you and Mabel got the other day. We just have to make sure it stays that way.”

“Yyyeah, that’s kinda the other reason I’m up here.” Wendy admitted.

Dipper turned his full attention to her. He hadn’t seen Wendy this nervous since they almost got their memories wiped. 

“So… I had a weird dream last night. I didn’t really think anything of it until I talked to Ford about it when I got into work just now… but… _he_ seemed to think it was that Bill guy, and honestly… I think he’s right.”

Dipper’s eyes widened with fear. “Ohmigosh, a-are you ok? What happened? Did he try to make a deal with you? Did he threaten you or your family?”

“Nah, dude, he just… It was weird, I guess in the dream he was pretending to be you? I went down into the Shack’s basement and it was filled with these bubbles of glitter, or something, and you were down there, but your eyes were yellow and you were calling me weird names. You gave me my axe and said ‘Have at it’. Or, Bill did, I guess.”

The breeze that had once felt pleasant was now sending shivers up Dipper’s spine. “The rift! He was trying to get you to cut open the rift!”

"Yeah, that's what your Uncle said. Uh, and that is…?” Wendy asked.

The boy hesitated. Ford had asked Dipper not to tell _anyone_ about the rift, not even Stan or Mabel… but that had almost led to Bill tricking them yesterday. He probably _would have_ , if not for Stan’s instincts. It would probably be best if he told Wendy, right? He’d already kinda spilled the beans, after all.

“The portal that Stan used to bring Ford home created a rip in the universe.” Dipper explained. “Bill wants it so he can invade our world. Me and Ford sealed it up with an alien adhesive, but it’s taking longer to dry than we thought, so it’s still vulnerable. And Bill will try to convince anyone to break it open.”

“Yeah, well he wasn’t all that convincing, if you ask me.” Wendy said flippantly.

Dipper thought back to that night over a month ago on this very roof. “He wasn’t that convincing the first time he tried to trick me either. But then he showed up when I was desperate, and…” He suddenly understood why Ford had been so reluctant to share his past with Bill. Dipper couldn’t reveal such an embarrassing secret, _especially_ not to Wendy. Still, it was probably the most effective way to explain what Bill was capable of to her.

“You remember what happened at Mabel’s puppet show, last month?”

“Yeah dude, you were so sleep deprived you started acting like the villain from a bad slasher flick.”

“That… wasn’t sleep deprivation. Bill possessed me.”

“Wait, what?” Wendy asked in disbelief.

“I-I screwed up. He said he’d give me the answers I was looking for, and all he wanted in return was a puppet. But _I was_ the puppet!”

Wendy stared at him in horror. Dipper’s stomach flip-flopped. Was she going to tell him off for being stupid enough to fall for such an obvious trick? Was she afraid that Bill would come back and possess him again? Did she even believe him, or did she think he’d finally lost his mind?

“That wasn’t you…” she finally spoke in a low voice “...and I didn’t even realize… _no_ , I knew something was off, but… Oh my gosh, Dipper, I’m so sorry, I should’ve _done_ something!” 

“What? No, Wendy, it’s not your fault!” he assured her. “I just wanted to warn you! Bill might come back, you need to know how he works, what he might try to do.”

The ginger teen stared out over the forest with a far-away look, her knuckles bone-white as she tightly gripped the edge of the roof. Dipper realized her gaze was pointed towards her house.

“Hey, uh, if I were to get my hands on some more unicorn hair, would your uncle be able to, I dunno, protect my house the way he did to the Shack?”

“Uh, I think so…” Dipper replied. “I’d have to ask him first.”

“Great. You talk to Ford. I gotta go talk to Stan. I think I’m gonna take the day off after all.”

  
  
  


* * *

Stan had just finished up a tour with a young couple who seemed more interested in each other than the exhibits. Eh, he’d take what he could get. Maybe he could set up a secluded corner of the gift shop and charge them to use the “Mystery Make-out Cave”. 

He’d been about to move the T-shirt rack to start just that, when he heard a raised voice coming from the den. Stan turned up his hearing aide and leaned his ear against the door. It was Mabel, and she sounded upset. Next, he heard the long-winded ramblings of Ford. Whatever his big-mouthed brother had said obviously didn’t make Mabel feel any better. Stan poked his head into the room to see what all the commotion was about, just in time to see her fleeing the room. He’d only caught a glimpse of her face before she rounded the corner, but it was enough to see the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“What. Did you. _Do_?” Stan asked, his voice dangerously low.

Ford at least had the decency to feel guilty about making his niece cry. “I-I just told her she was welcome to stay here with Dipper during his apprenticeship, but for some reason beyond my understanding--”

“You did _what_!?” Stan growled.

“ _You’re_ the one who told me I was _excluding_ Mabel by not extending her an offer as well!”

“You were supposed to call their parents first, genius!”

“You never said anything about which one I was supposed to do first!”

Part of Stan wanted to shake his brother, ask him how a guy with 12 PhD’s could be so stupid. But the other part of Stan knew Ford had always been like this. You had to give him ridiculously specific instructions when it came to social interactions, or he’d completely mess them up. Sometimes he’d mess them up even with instructions. It was Stan’s own fault for not saying “ _First_ you have to call the kids’ parents and get their permission. Then, _there won’t be a then because there’s no way on Earth they’ll ever agree to it_!”

Instead, Stan just pinched the bridge of his nose, massaged his eyes in a futile attempt to stop the oncoming stress-headache, and heaved a sigh of frustration. 

“You know what your problem is? You’re treatin’ these kids like adults.”

“You see that as a _problem_ ?” Ford raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps _your_ problem is that you treat them too much like children.”

“I don’t mean talkin’ down to them, or babying them!” Stan clarified. “I mean tryin’ to give them a normal-ish childhood! I mean not expectin’ them to grow up too fast! I mean not dumping huge problems or decisions on them! I mean lettin’ them enjoy bein’ young while they still can!”

“Normal is overrated.” Ford replied coolly. “And I still fail to see why they can’t enjoy being young here in Gravity Falls.”

Stan gave up. Why did he ever think his brother would listen to him? There was obviously only one way he was gonna make Ford see reason.

“Alright, time for you to call the kids parents.”

“I’ll call them after you shut down the gift shop for the day.” Ford said, looking back down at the security feed on his future-tech screen. 

“Quit putting it off, Sixer! _I’ll_ watch the gift shop. You go call. _Now_.” Stan insisted forcefully.

Thankfully, Ford relented. Just as he was about to enter the kitchen to access the phone there, Stan stopped him.

“Their numbers are on the fridge. Micha and Deborah. You probably have the best chance of reachin’ Debbs this time of day. Don’t call her Debbie, or she’ll chew you out for fifteen minutes.”

“Noted.” Ford nodded.

Stan returned to the gift shop. Someone had to keep an eye on the vending machine, after all. Of course, he was also going to keep an ear on Ford’s call, to make sure the nerd didn’t worm his way out of actually asking for permission. 

When they were kids growing up in New Jersey, Stan and Ford would often listen in on their mother’s customers by carefully picking up the second receiver downstairs in the pawn shop. All they had to do was cover the mic and be careful not to giggle too much, and even their mom wouldn’t realize they were listening in until either one of them laughed too loud or dropped the phone. Stan’s landline had a second receiver in the gift shop, right next to the cash register.

The old conman picked up the phone, pressed his thumb over the mic, and held the speaker up to his ear. Bingo! It was still ringing, and it didn’t seem that Ford realized his brother was listening in, as the old nerd was humming to himself as he waited.

“Hello? Stanford?” Debbs asked as she answered the phone.

Ford's little gasp was amplified by the crackle of his breath into the phone's mic. "H-how did you-- you know who I am?"

"Caller ID, silly!" She explained with a giggle. "I know you're old, Stan, but it's been a thing since the 80's."

"Actually, it's been around since the 60's," Ford corrected her, "although I imagine its use became much more widespread after 1982."

"Uh, yeah… Stanford, are you sick? You sound, um… you don't sound like yourself."

Stan grit his teeth. Sure, rub salt in _that_ wound. Because his brother didn't already hate him enough.

"I'm fine." Ford answered stiffly. "It's an incredibly long story, one I don't have time to relate over the phone now. Suffice to say, I'm more _myself_ now than I've been in the last 30 years. But I have more important things to discuss with you."

"Is everything ok?" Debbs asked, a hint of worry coloring her voice.

_Don't mention the dream demon threatening to kill us all!_ Stan thought desperately.

"Oh, I'm not calling about any trouble." Ford assured her.

Stan breathed a sigh of relief. So his brother wasn't completely clueless after all.

"I'm actually calling because I have a great opportunity for Dipper and Mabel!" The old researcher continued enthusiastically.

"Did you find discounted bus tickets?"

"No. In fact, there's a good chance you won't need to buy bus tickets at all! You see, I'd like to take Dipper on as my apprentice studying the anomalies of Gravity Falls! Mabel is welcome to stay too, although I'll need to find an appropriate teacher for her as soon as I take care of… ah, some _more pressing matters_ in my work. I promise you, I'll make sure they continue to keep in regular contact with you through weekly letters, and with modern communications technology, you'll be able to talk with them face-to-face whenever you like. We'll also make time to come down and visit as often as our studies will allow. All I need is your permission for them to continue their stay here."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Finally, Debbs giggled nervously, like she was forcing herself to laugh at a joke she didn't get.

"Uhhh, that's great Stan. Are you practicing one of your new sales pitches on me?"

"I assure you, this is _not_ one of my brother's schemes." Ford insisted. "You're my family, I would never expect any kind of compensation, regardless of how much the price of a secondary education had risen."

"Secondary education? I don't understand. What are you talking about?"

"I realize they're both at a seventh-grade level now, but I have twelve PhD's. With my one-on-one personalized teaching, even Mabel could begin learning at the college level in a couple of years. As for Dipper, I'm confident he could reach that level before next summer."

“No.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll need to speak to your husband about it first, but we’ve still got another week to come to an agreement.”

Debbs' voice switched from sweet and patient to icy and venomous. "Listen, I dunno who you think you are, but you're not getting my kids!!"

“Y-you misunderstand me.” Ford’s voice faltered. “I don’t want to take your kids away from you, I’m just trying to give them a better education than what’s available to them back in California. Like I said, we’ll keep in regular contact, and we’ll come to visit--”

“Oh, I don’t care what kinda ‘better education’ you’re offering!” Debbs snapped sharply. “ _Nothing_ is worth being separated from my children!”

“What? But… but you’re separated from them right now! You’ve been separated for months! Why is it suddenly a problem now?” Ford asked in confusion.

“Two and a half months.” Debbs clarified. “Two and a half months so they could get out of the city and spend some time in the great outdoors, and even that’s been hard. And you expect me to just… just let my babies move away?”

“E-everyone moves away from home eventually, though.” Ford reasoned. “Surely, you don’t want them to still be living with you when they’re in their thirties!”

“Eventually, maybe. But not when they’re barely even thirteen!” She retorted. “Now you listen to me Stanford, or _whoever_ you are. My kids had better be on the bus back to Piedmont come next Friday, or I’m coming up there to get them myself. And you’d better believe if I have to do that, they’re never going back to Gravity Falls again!”

With that, she hung up. Stan quickly hung up as well, so Ford didn’t notice the line was still active. 

“...Great.” Stan hissed to himself, massaging his temples. That stress headache was really setting in now. 

He’d been counting on this talk with the kids’ folks to be a wake-up call to Ford, but he hadn’t stopped to think about how much damage control he was gonna have to do afterwards. How could he have forgotten how much of an interpersonal relationship disaster his brother was? He should have been there in the same room with Ford, coaching him through it, making sure the nerd didn’t screw things up for both of them like this. 

Stan picked the phone back up and dialed Deborah’s number, hoping against all logic that she’d pick up. He needed to fix this, or he might never be allowed to see the kids again. The old conman felt a wave of relief when she actually answered.

“Debbs, that wasn’t me on the phone just now!” He shouted into the receiver the moment he heard her pick up.

“Yeah, I kinda figured.” she replied. “Do you know who that was? What’s going on?”

“Uh… just some guy I went to highschool with back in Jersey.” The best way to sell a lie is with a bunch of technically true facts. “He’s here visiting.”

"What is his problem!?"

“I dunno, Debbs, he’s got some serious issues.” Stan rolled his eyes. “But, you know I’d do anything to make sure Dipper and Mabel come home safe to you, right? You don’t gotta worry.”

“I know, Stanford, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I’d really don’t feel comfortable with the kids spending time with your friend.”

“We, uh, we’re not exactly friends anymore.” Stan clarified, his heart sinking.

"Well, that should make it easier to tell him to stay away from my children."

Stan had originally just called Debbs back to reassure her and make sure he didn't lose the privilege of taking care of the kids. He'd done that. He could just say 'You got it' and hang up, but he didn't. Instead he found himself opening up his mouth and defending his brother.

"Look, I know he was way out of line, tryin' to ask you to send the kids up here year-round, but I swear to you, he doesn't mean 'em any harm. He, uh, he's been on his own for a long time, and he's been through some terrible stuff. I'm not exaggerating when I say Dipper and Mabel are probably the best thing to happen to him in 30 years. He wasn't great with people before, and all that time alone definitely didn't help. I tried to tell him he couldn't just invite the kids to stay here all year, but he wouldn't listen to me. So I told him to call you. I shouldn'ta done that, I'm sorry. It, uh, it's my fault."

Stan wasn’t sure why he was sticking his neck out for his brother like this, but regardless of how he and his brother felt about each other, Stan knew the kids loved Ford, and the nerd loved them right back. Even if Mabel was really upset with Ford right now. If the girl could forgive someone like _Pacifica Northwest_ , she'd definitely make up with her mysterious new uncle who spoke in overdramatic monologues and sent her to look for unicorns. It would break all three of their hearts if they weren’t allowed to see each other any more. 

Debbs sighed, but it was with more fondness than frustration. “Helping someone heal from trauma _does_ sound just like my little angels… but can you promise me he’s not dangerous?”

Stan remembered what he’d told Dipper, just last week. _My brother is a dangerous know-it-all…_

But hey, he was already an expert at lying to his family.

“Yeah, sure, I promise. And if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure he’d take a bullet for either of them. Not, heh, not that he would ever need to!”

“Well, ok. I suppose that’s the best I can ask for, short of driving up there and having a talk with him myself.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it. We’re at peak tourist season here, the Mystery Shack’s a hive of activity.” Stan said, looking out over the deserted gift shop.

“Well, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to call me.”

“Hey, family comes first.”

“Too right. Oh, and I never got your… uh, acquaintance’s name.”

“Fffffrank.”

“Ok. Please try and have another talk with Frank. I know you said he wouldn’t listen to you, but--”

“Oh trust me, I’m gonna have a _long_ talk with him.”

“Thank you, Stan. Take care!”

  
“Yeah, you too.” Stan hung up and turned to his handyman. “Soos, hold down the fort for me, and keep an eye on the vending machine. I gotta go have _another_ talk with my brother.”


	3. A Time for Every Purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel and Dipper have a heart-to-heart, Ford struggles to re-evaluate things, and Stan makes several sarcastic remarks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this chapter took a while. If you follow me over on Tumblr, you may have heard we had to put my dog down on 6/18/2020. Badger had been a part of my life for 16 years, and his death was very sudden, so it has been very difficult to lose him. On top of that, I had some serious writer's block this chapter. But once I worked my way through that writer's block, it felt so good that I finished the rest of the chapter rather quickly. I hope you all enjoy it
> 
> (PS not sure if I'll be able to get back on that one-update-every-weekend schedule I had going for the last two months yet. I'm still mourning my dog and I also have to find an apartment for this fall)

Mabel stormed up the stairs, tears streaming down her face. It seemed like every time she tried to take her mind off her troubles, every time she tried to cheer up, something came along and made things more complicated. Had it really only been two days ago that she’d been excited about turning 13 and planning their birthday party? Now she had much bigger concerns, like Bill threatening her family, and Ford extending the apprenticeship offer to Dipper  _ and  _ her.

What with the tears in her eyes and the thoughts swirling around in her head, Mabel didn’t see her brother coming, and collided with him as she scurried up the stairs.

“Oh, Mabel, have you seen Great Uncle Ford this morning? I need to ask him…” Dipper trailed off when he realized his sister was trying to hold back tears. “What’s wrong? Did Bill come back? Is someone hurt!?”

Mabel shook her head, wiping her face on the sleeve of her pajama shirt she still hadn’t changed out of.

“I  _ did  _ see Grunkle Ford this morning. He told me I could stay in Gravity Falls too, if I wanted.”

Dipper’s face lit up. Sure, he’d have to completely redo his pros and cons list now, but this took care of the biggest negative on it! “That’s great!” But then he remembered she’d come up here in tears. “...isn’t it?”

“No!” Mabel cried, trying not to break down again. “Now I have to choose between staying here with you in Gravity Falls or going home to mom and dad!”

“Well, now you know how I feel.” Dipper pointed out. “Isn’t this what you wanted, though? This way you don’t have to leave Gravity Falls behind. You get more time with your friends, a little more summer.”

“Maybe. I dunno.” Mabel sighed and sat down on the steps, very close to pulling herself back into sweater town. “That was mostly just wistful thinking because I was afraid that everything was gonna change. I didn’t think it would actually become reality!”

“Hey, I get it. This is a really big, scary decision.” Dipper sat down beside her. “But you don’t have to make it alone. I can help you make a Pros and Cons list if you want.”

Mabel turned to look at her brother. “Dipper, I know last night you said we had to talk about this when we were calm and not super emotional, but I don’t know if I’m ever gonna  _ not be _ super emotional about this whole mess!”

“Well, maybe making a list will help.”

The colorful girl scrunched up her face. List making was more her brother’s thing, but maybe it  _ would  _ help for her to get on his level for a bit.

“Ok. As long as I get to use glitter gel pens to write it.”

  
  


* * *

Stanford stood in the empty kitchen, the phone in his hand blaring a dull dial tone now that Debbs had hung up. It slipped out of his hand and bounced against the counter door on its curly cord. The old inventor was reeling. What had just happened? True, he probably should have anticipated at least a little apprehension from the kids’ mother, but surely, after explaining the advantages and benefits of his apprenticeship, any parent would have been happy to give their children the opportunity to learn at the feet of an accomplished scientist? And not just any scientist, but a family member who loved and cared dearly for those kids! Instead, she’d acted like he was threatening to kidnap them!

_ Oh you fool, you’ve done it again.  _ The negative part of Ford’s brain chided him.

The old researcher pushed the thought to the back of his mind, instead trying to justify his own reasoning. It was a pattern he’d seen again and again throughout his life. People left. It always happened sooner or later. Sometimes because they found someone or something more important. Sometimes because they realized the relationship was bad for them. Whatever the case, the outcome was always the same. Deborah was simply trying to delay the inevitable. 

_ “Sooner or later”, yes, and you’re asking the children to leave too soon. That’s what Stanley was trying to tell you, but of course you didn’t listen.  _

“No. No,  _ I’m  _ not the one being unreasonable here…” He muttered to himself.

Wasn’t he? Stan, Mabel, Debbs, they’d all acted as though Ford’s desire to keep the children here was wrong. Even Dipper had been unsure about it. 

_ But you wouldn’t listen to any of them. You’ve only ever hear what you want to hear. Just like with Fiddleford, just like with Bill! _

Perhaps the pattern of people leaving didn’t apply to everyone. Only to him.

“What is wrong with me?” He groaned as he slid down to sit on the floor.

_ What’s wrong with you? You’re disgusting! Of course no one wants you! The freakish hands are only the tip of the iceberg. You push away anyone with the misfortune to actually get close enough to care about you, but not without doing some serious damage first. Because you don’t understand people and their emotions and relationships. You don’t even understand your own species. _

Ford dug his fingers into his hair and closed his eyes tight, trying to steady his breathing. It was true! That was why he’d felt so at home in Gravity Falls, studying supernatural beings. That was how he’d survived thirty years in the multiverse, hopping from one alien society to the next. 

_ The only ones who’ve ever really wanted you just wanted to use you. Bill, the Dean at Backupsmore, your father… Stan… _

Stan… Ford wasn’t sure if he believed that anymore. Surely his brother wouldn’t have spent thirty years trying to fix the portal just to  _ use  _ Ford.

_ No, he was just fine using your identity to make a cozy little life for himself in Gravity Falls while you were gone. _

That just raised further questions, though. Stan had a stable life here. He had to have known Ford’s return would mean giving up the identity he’d been living under for thirty years. Even if Stan hadn’t expected his brother to insist he shut his phony business down, he at least had to have known his livelihood would be endangered. Wouldn’t it have been easier not to risk it all and just leave Ford to his fate? The only possible explanation was that Stan cared enough, or at least felt guilty enough, to motivate him to continue trying for  _ thirty years. _

Still, as noble as Stan’s intentions may have been, he still put the whole world, no, the whole  _ universe _ , in danger by reactivating the portal. How could he have ever expected Ford to be ok with that?

~~ A small part of Ford couldn’t help but wonder if he would have done the same, had their roles been reversed.  ~~

Then of course, there was Stan’s horrible timing. Ford had been  _ this close _ to destroying Bill, to finally fixing his mistakes, when he was whisked back to Gravity Falls. It seemed like every time Ford got close to making a decisive strike against Bill, something went wrong. He only had himself to blame for the glue situation, but if Stan hadn’t...

~~ It wasn’t like he had known. ~~

He still shouldn’t have done it. It was far too dangerous.

~~ If Stan hadn’t brought him back, he never would have met Dipper and Mabel. ~~

Stan had put the children in danger on top of everything else.

~~ If it hadn’t happened when it did, Ford would have died trying to take Bill down with him. ~~

Ford had known the risks and had been prepared to make whatever sacrifice was necessary to bring Bill down. Stan had ruined his chance… hadn’t he?

_ You heard what Bill said. He hates you. Why can’t you just hate him back? _

Bill always lies. 

~~ There was an abundance of evidence that Stan didn’t hate him. That he actually cared quite a lot. ~~

Ford curled in on himself, the warring thoughts swirling in his head blocking out the rest of the world around him. He didn’t hear his brother coming until the old conman appeared in the doorway, eyes blazing with fury.

“Ford!” Stan shouted, his voice charged with anger.

_ He hates you. _

Ford’s fight or flight instincts took over, and this time they favored flight. He had to get out of there. He darted out of the room as fast as he could.

  
  
  


* * *

Dipper was glad that Mabel had accepted his help to put together her own Pros and Cons list. Not only was it helping him redo his list, she also came up with several negative points he hadn’t considered, like the fact that he’d be leaving behind his friends back at Piedmont Junior High. While Mabel definitely had more friends at school, there were still a couple of classmates that Dipper would consider his friends, although he wasn’t nearly as close with them as he had become with Soos and Wendy. 

Besides, he did kinda feel like he’d been neglecting Mabel over the past couple of days. He was just trying to figure all of this out, the rift, Ford’s apprenticeship, and Bill. Trying to comfort Mabel on top of all that just seemed like too much. Once he had the time to sit down and organize his thoughts, to really think things out, it became much less overwhelming. He trusted his Great Uncle to deal with the rift and Bill for now, and he was figuring out the apprenticeship thing.

It was interesting to see Mabel’s thought process as she put together her own list. She liked Dipper’s point value system, but they both scored the same things very differently. She thought getting to explore the caves behind the falls was only worth three points, tops, and she classified continuing to work at the Mystery Shack as a pro, not a con. 

Dipper decided not to share his doubts on whether Ford would allow Stan to continue running the Shack out of his home. Mabel already had enough on her mind.

"So, once you finish your list, you add up the points on both sides and whichever has the most points wins." Dipper explained.

"How do you know when it's finished?"

Dipper shrugged. “Just… whenever you can’t think of any more pros or cons, I guess.”

“But what if I forget something important?”

“Well, I mean, it can’t be  _ that  _ important if you forgot it.” 

Mabel sighed and started adding up her totals. Dipper did the same. Pros won out on both lists, although Mabel’s was by a slimmer margin. The boy laughed excitedly and beamed at his sister. She gulped. Despite what the numbers said, this still didn’t sit right with her.

“So we’ll both stay in Gravity Falls, together!” Dipper exclaimed. “I can’t believe it, this is like a dream come true!”

Mabel gasped. “Wait, that’s it!”

“What?”

“I think I finally figured out why I feel so wrong about this apprenticeship thing!” Mabel grabbed her brother by the shoulders. “You said you can’t believe it! Why?”

Dipper’s smile faltered. “Mabel, it’s just a figure of speech…”

“Yeah, but you used it now for a reason. Why?”

“Because…” Dipper stopped and thought about it for a moment. “Because if you’d told me two months ago that I was going to stay in Gravity Falls and work with the Author of the Journals, and that he was a long-lost relative, I’d think you were crazy.”

“Exactly. And I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Gravity Falls. I wanted more time with my friends.” Mabel agreed. “You said it yourself. Taking Grunkle Ford’s offer is a dream come true. Because staying in Gravity Falls is like living in a dream, or a fairy tale!”

“...What are you getting at here?” Dipper asked apprehensively.

“If we stay here, that’s not preparing us for the real world! We need to grow up in the real world first!”

“Are you implying that Gravity Falls isn’t real? That we’ve just dreamed up this whole summer?” Dipper asked incredulously. 

“No, of course not!” Mabel scoffed. “Sorry, maybe I’m not explaining this very well. Obviously, Gravity Falls is real. We’ve got real family and real friends here. And we’ve both grown up a lot over this past summer here. But would we keep on growing if we just stayed here all the time? Would we learn the things we need to grow up if we stay in a place where most of the grown-ups still act like kids? This is the kind of place where a nine-year-old can claim to be a child psychic and everyone believes him. This is the kind of place where the local kooky hobo is a genius inventor who builds death robots. This is the kind of place where a long-lost Grunkle can come out of a mysterious portal. This is the kind of place where a sad journalist like Toby Determined can have his own newspaper. Does that sound like the real world to you?”

Dipper grimaced. “Yeah, I guess I see your point. But… I thought you didn’t want to grow up?”

Mabel frowned and rubbed her arm sheepishly. “You’re right, I don’t want to…” She then looked up with renewed determination in her eyes. “But I know that I  _ need  _ to.”

The boy gave his sister a proud smile “You’re a lot more mature than most people give you credit for.”

“Thanks, Dip.”

“But…” His face fell. “I  _ do _ feel like there’s so much more to learn about Gravity Falls… and I don’t want to disappoint Great Uncle Ford. I know he’d really love us to stay. I get the feeling he’s really lonely. The apprenticeship is everything I’ve wanted all summer… how can I just walk away from it?”

Mabel patted her brother on the shoulder. “Well, even if it’s not the right time to stay in Gravity Falls now, maybe someday when we  _ are  _ a little more grown up, we  _ could  _ move out here all year. So don’t think of it as walking away. Just think of it as saying ‘Not now’. And don’t worry about Grunkle Ford. He’s our family and he loves us! I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Dipper sighed and nodded. “I hope you’re right. Ever since Ford offered me the apprenticeship, I haven’t felt ready. He said I shouldn’t worry, because I’ve already accomplished so much, but I guess it’s not really about doubting my own abilities. It’s just not the right time in my life.”

“Guess we should go tell him, then, huh?”

“Oh yeah!” Dipper smacked his head. “I was heading downstairs to ask him to help Wendy with Bill-proofing her house. Maybe we can talk to him about it after that?”

Mabel nodded. “Yeah, making sure Wendy and her family are safe is more important. And it’s like Grunkle Ford keeps saying, we’ve got all week!”

  
  
  


* * *

After leaving Soos to look after the giftshop, Stan made a beeline for the kitchen where he knew his brother had been using the phone just moments ago. That nerd was about to get the talking-to of his life!

“Ford!” Stan called as he stormed down the hall. No response. 

He pushed the door open brusquely. The kitchen appeared empty, and the phone was hanging off its hook.

“Ford?” He called again. Suddenly, a figure shot out from behind the table. Stan barely had time to register that it was his brother before Ford dashed out of the room. What the heck had he been doing hiding practically under the table?

“Oh no, you’re not gettin’ off that easy!” Stan grumbled under his breath as he followed his brother. Sure, he wasn’t as fast as Ford, but the nerd had scrambled away so frantically that it wasn’t hard to follow his trail.

Unsurprisingly, the string of jostled furniture and scuffed floors led straight to Ford’s room. Also unsurprisingly, the door was locked. Stan rolled his eyes and slid a bobby pin out of his sleeve. What was even the point of locking a door that was so easy to pick?

Stan’s frustration with his brother evaporated as soon as he opened the door and got a good look. Ford was sitting in the corner of the sectional couch, curled up on himself. It wasn’t too far off from Mabel’s “Sweater Town”. The old researcher’s breaths came in short, shallow gasps, and he was eyeing his brother with the sort of caution a normal person would give an angry moose.

Was Ford… having a  _ panic attack _ ?

“Hey…” Stan said softly, approaching his brother with caution. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Ford took a deep breath, and Stan could practically see his brother bottling up his emotions as the old nerd’s face became blank.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong.” Ford said stoicly.

“Sure. And you bolted out of the kitchen just now because you saw a spider.”

Ford's blank expression flickered for a moment as annoyance crept in. "You startled me."

"Obviously." Stan rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I called Debbs back after she hung up on you."

"You were eavesdropping on me?" Ford accused coldly.

"Yeah, and it's a good thing too! I managed to smooth things over with her so the kids can still come back here next year, and  _ you're _ still allowed to spend time with them!"

Ford didn't reply. He just kept staring straight ahead, stoney-faced.

"She just wanted me to have a talk with you. About you and the kids."

“She doesn’t have to worry. I doubt either of the children will want to spend time with me once they hear about this.”

Stan scoffed. “This isn’t gonna make the kids wanna stop spendin’ time with you, not by a long shot.”

“Perhaps not.” Ford agreed. “They’re still children, quick to forgive and forget. I’ll have to separate myself from them for their own good.”

“Wait, what?”

“Your original assessment was correct. I need to stay away from the kids. If not to protect them from the physical danger that comes with my line of work, then to protect them from the emotional danger of growing attached to a damaged man who doesn’t understand the simplest of human interactions.” He explained in a detached tone. 

"Ohno you don't!" Stan retorted. "I didn't just stick my neck out for you, just so you could push the kids away! Those kids love your guts, and it'd hurt 'em a lot more if you just suddenly cut them off!"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about." Ford said clinically, as though he was explaining the problem with one of his experiments and not his own insecurities. "I have no understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others. The fact that you had to talk their mother into allowing me to continue spending time with the children confirms it.”

Stan heaved a sigh. "You still don't really understand why Debbs said no, do you?"

"I understand perfectly."

"I don't think you do." The old conman shook his head. "It's like I keep telling you, they're just kids. They still need their mom, and she still needs them."

"Yes, you were right and I didn't listen to you. Just one of many signs that I'm unable to properly interact with other human beings."

"I'm not finished! The thing you're not getting is just because you can't wedge your way into their parents' place, doesn't mean you can't be in the kids' lives at all! You're still a part of this family."

"And yet Deborah took my offer as a threat."

"Debbs doesn't know you from Adam, Ford! Of course she freaked out! I couldn’t explain the whole situation to her, but I did tell her those kids are the best thing that’s happened to you in 30 years.”

Ford couldn’t deny Stan’s statement. “I can’t do it again!” His prior panic finally burst out of its bottles. “I can’t stand to hurt another person I care about because I don’t even realize what I’m doing wrong until it’s too late! And I don’t even listen when someone tries to explain it to me!” His flare of anger died down, and he curled back in on himself again. “What is wrong with me?” He moaned.

Stan cautiously took a seat on the other end of the couch. “Nothin’s wrong with you.”

The old researcher scoffed. “A lifetime of my experience says otherwise.”

“Look, just because you’re not good with people doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Not everyone’s a people person.”

“This goes far beyond not being a people person. I’ve hurt  _ everyone  _ I’ve ever come into contact with.”

“Wow, exaggeration much?”

“How can you joke about this when you’re one of the people I’ve hurt the most!?”

The two brothers froze as Ford’s words hung in the air. Stan was at a loss. Since when did Ford feel like he hurt Stan instead of the other way around?

“See, you can’t even deny it.” Ford continued when Stan didn’t have a response. “It’s just eas-- It’s just safer if I just stay out of everyone’s lives.”

“You can’t just cut yourself off from the world, genius.” The old conman finally found his words again. “You’re the one who was sayin’ you don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

“...I don’t want anyone else to get hurt either.”

Stan paused as he tried to think of how to handle this. “We still gotta stop Bill, right? That’s not something you can do alone.”

“I’ve been doing it alone for thirty years.”

“Yeah, and that’s worked  _ real  _ well, hasn’t it?”

_ “I was about to end him!”  _ Ford shouted. “I was  _ seconds  _ away from taking the shot, when  _ you  _ opened the portal again and whisked me away!”

“...Oh.” Stan squeaked. He didn’t know how else to respond to that. So he just moved on with the conversation. “Listen, even you’ve gotta admit, you’ve had more success with those kids' help. Dipper helped you get that alien stuff you needed. Mabel pointed out the glue problem you never even realized. If we’re gonna take down this Bill guy, your best bet is to work with us, whether you like it or not. And yeah, maybe it’s risky, but isn’t it riskier to just sit around waitin’ for Bill to make his move?”

Ford just stared coldly back at his brother. “You’re not going to apologize?”

Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m not gonna apologize  _ for saving your life, _ no.”

The old researcher frowned and furrowed his brow, but he didn’t seem surprised by Stan’s response. He sat there thinking for a few moments before finally speaking again.

“I can see the logic in needing to work together to stop Bill. The children have proven to be incredibly resourceful in that department. And in less than a week, they’ll be returning to California. I suppose it won’t matter after that.”

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. “For cryin’ out loud, they’re just one state over, not on a different planet. All those arguments you were makin’ about the kids still bein’ able to stay in touch over the computer? That applies to you too, genius. You can even drive down and visit if you want.”

“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what’s best for Dipper and Mabel.”

“Heh, well, good to see we’re finally on the same page there at least. But I’m tellin’ ya, being their mad-scientist uncle  _ is  _ what’s best for them. And what’s best for you too.”

Ford was torn. He wanted to believe Stan’s words, but it was hard to ignore that negative part of his brain, telling him that Stan was a liar, and digging up all the times he had hurt people before. He pushed it to the back of his head for now. Better to focus on stopping Bill and protecting the rift. Speaking of which….

“If we’re both here, who’s guarding the lab entrance!?” 

“Relax, I left Soos to keep an eye on things.”

Stan’s reassurance was immediately undermined by the sound of a fight breaking out in the giftshop.

  
  
  


* * *

“Hey Soos, you seen Stan anywhere?” Wendy asked as she reentered the gift shop. 

Soos was clearing out the old inventory. After Mr. Pines’ Mystery Science Brother came in and asked Wendy questions about her dream, it had been a quiet day at the Mystery Shack. 

“He was here a minute ago, but he said he had to have another talk with his brother.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Of course. Well, I’m just gonna take off then. I gotta take care of some stuff. Let him know I decided to take the day off after all if you see him.”

“You got it, dude.” He assured her as she left.

Soos had been wanting a word with his boss himself, but whenever the handyman was about to ask Mr. Pines a question, Mr. Mystery was suddenly busy, giving a tour for just two people, yelling at his brother, or listening in on an important phone call.

It was clear that Mr. Pines was hiding something, and not the usual somethings Mr. Pines would hide, like incriminating evidence or suggestion cards. No, Soos got the impression that Mr. Pines was hiding something specifically from him. It wasn’t all that strange for Stan to avoid talking about anything that even remotely resembled feelings. But it  _ was  _ strange for Stan to avoid talking about what they were going to do for the off season. And even stranger for him to refuse free labor. True, there was a bunch of major drama going down in the Pines family right now, but it wasn’t like Mr. Pines to let it affect how he ran his business.

“The Mystery Shack  _ has  _ needed to be rebuilt like four times in the last two months. Maybe Stan’s just worried because all this reconstruction is costing too much money.” Soos reasoned to himself as he worked alone in the giftshop. But he didn’t quite believe himself.

The bell over the giftshop door jingled, distracting Soos from his thoughts. He quickly ran to the cash register, ready to serve another customer. “Welcome to the Mystery Shack dude!”

“Hello.” A short man with a grotesque face and a tiny 1930’s style reporter’s hat replied.

“Oh, hey Toby! I see you got away from that griffin!”

“I was indigestible!” Toby Determined said as if he was proudly proclaiming he got a new haircut.

“That’s cool. What brings you here?”

“I’m here to interview  _ you _ , actually!” the reporter explained. “Rumor has it that Mr. Mystery has a long lost twin, and  _ you’re  _ the man with the inside scoop!”

“I mean, it’s kinda supposed to be a secret.” Soos hesitated. “I’ve only told Wendy, and my abuelita, and the mailman, and everyone who was at Greasy's Diner during the lunch rush last Saturday…”

“You’d get to be on the front page of the Gravity Falls Gossiper!” Toby enticed in a sing-song voice, holding up today’s issue for good measure.

“I’ll do it!” Soos declared.

“Perfect! Now, to start off, I’ll need to take your photo!”

“Oh hey, when’d you get a real camera?” Soos asked as Toby pulled out a large camera with an even larger flashbulb.

“Oh, uh, just recently.” Toby chuckled nervously. “Now, you stand right over there, next to that display of bright, shiny, reflective crystals. And I’ll stand right here, next to this clearly out of order vending machine.”

Soos struck a pose where Toby had told him to stand. “Oh, dude, wait--” He remembered he was supposed to be guarding the vending machine just as the reporter snapped the photo. The camera’s flash reflected and refracted through the crystals, blinding the handyman.

“Ah! My eyes!”

“Ah! Also my eyes!”

Unfortunately for Toby, he hadn’t stopped to think that maybe he should protect himself from the flash.

“Uh, dude, could you do me a favor and not touch that vending machine until my eyes adjust back to normal?”

“Never!” The determined reporter declared. “The man in the color-changing clothes and funny goggles told me I could be with Shandra Jimenez forever if I brought him the magic sticky ball hidden in the secret basement!” 

Toby felt around blindly for the machine’s key-pad and started pressing buttons randomly. Soos followed the beeping sound and tackled the little man to the ground. 

“Not cool, dude! You are officially banned from our FCLORP team!” 

“No!” Toby whined. “You guys are the only people who tolerate me!”

“Well, you should’ve thought of that before you tried to break into Dr. Pines’ secret lab, dude! Which, uh, which he totally doesn’t have. That… that’s not a real thing.”

Toby obviously didn’t believe him, as he continued to struggle against Soos for access to the vending machine. Soos easily stopped him by just sitting on top of him.

“Y’know.” the handyman mused as his eyes began to adjust back to normal. “Dipper and Mabel put up a much harder fight than you. I’m just sayin’ you might wanna start doin’ more exercise and stuff. I know a place at the mall that teaches karate! I’ve been goin’ there since I was ten.”

“Let me go!” Toby demanded as he flailed his arms and legs uselessly.

“No can do, dawg. I promised Mr. Pines I’d hold down the fort while he’s busy taking care of family junk.”

Soos didn’t have to keep Toby at bay for much longer. For the second time that day, Dr. Pines burst out of the Employees Only door. He had his blaster drawn, and Stan wasn’t far behind him.

“What happened!?” Ford barked, aiming his blaster down at Toby’s wriggling form. “What is that thing?”

“Uh, I think Bill got to Toby.” Soos explained.

The old researcher grimaced. “Bill must have used some sort of magical artefact to mutate him!”

“What? No, he’s always been like that.” Stan corrected him. “What’d the triangle promise you, Toby?”

“Triangle?” The reporter asked in confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“He said a dude in color-changing clothes and funny goggles told him he could be with Shandra Jimenez forever if he got the magic sticky ball in the secret basement.” Soos recounted.

“And nothing about that seemed suspicious to you?” Stan asked.

“Well, not particularly…”

“Why am I not surprised.” The old conman rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Somebody’s pullin’ a prank on you, Toby. The Mystery Shack  _ doesn’t have _ a basement.”

“Oh, but he was so convincing!” Toby whined.

“He  _ is  _ very convincing.” Ford said gravely. “Where were you when he found you? Do you know where he is now?”

“He just came into the printing room while I was finishing off this morning’s publication. He told me to bring the ball to the dump.”

Ford scratched his chin thoughtfully, considering all the information before him. “It’s probably a trap. I doubt Bill expected this attempt to work.”

“Really, what gave you that idea?” Stan asked sarcastically. “Hey Toby, if you leave now and promise not to come back, I won’t press charges.”

“Hooray!”

“Oh, and gimme a call if you see that, uh, prankster again.”

The reporter agreed and left. Ford immediately began pacing.

“This was almost a disaster! If Bill had sent a competent pawn instead of this distraction, the rift would be broken by now!” He rounded on Stan “Why did you leave the secret entrance unguarded!?”

“I didn’t leave it unguarded, I left Soos.” Stan defended. “And yeah, he’s a goofus, but he got the job done, so I don’t see what you’re complaining about.”

“Aw, thanks Mr. Pines.”

“Don’t get mushy on me, kid.”

“Everything turned out alright this time, yes.” Ford admitted. “But what if Bill sends someone or something more dangerous than a tiny goblin man?”

“I can totally handle it, dude.” Soos assured him. “I’ve fought puhterodactyls, haunted animatronics, and ate my way out of a creepy monster made of candy.”

“Really?” Ford looked at the handyman like he was just seeing Soos properly for the first time.

The conversation paused when Dipper and Mabel entered the room.

“Here’s everybody. Hey Great Uncle Ford, can I ask you a favor for Wendy?” Dipper asked. He then took in Ford’s frantic pacing and Soos’s rumpled clothes. “What’s going on?”

“Toby Determined just tried to break into the lab.” Stan replied nonchalantly, like he was commenting on finding gnomes in the trash again.

“What?” The young twins cried in unison.

“Was it Bill?” Mabel asked in concern.

“It couldn’t have been, the barrier spell is still up.” Dipper reasoned. “Right?”

“The barrier is still intact, yes.” Ford assured them. “It appears Bill convinced Toby to find the rift while possessing the same time travel agent as before.”

“Poor Blendin.” Mabel worried.

“I can’t believe Bill actually tried to use Toby.” Dipper said incredulously. “I mean, he can’t have gotten very far.”

“He didn’t.” Stan said simply.

“I sat on him.” Soos added.

“It seems like Bill is trying to set some sort of trap.” Ford explained. “Bill told Toby to bring the rift to the dump. I suspect he shared that information knowing that Toby would get caught, and that we would interrogate him.”

“That’s weird. Why would Bill want us to go to the dump?” Dipper wondered. “Unless…” the boy’s eyes widened and as he glanced at his sister, he knew the same awful realization was dawning on her. Neither of them had heard from McGucket since the party at Northwest Manor, the day before the portal reopened. 

“Unless what?” Ford asked eagerly.

“Uhhh…” the young twins hemmed. They’d purposely forgotten to tell Ford about what happened to his old friend. How do you tell someone their best friend had driven himself insane and was now a homeless coot living in the dump? Although, considering Ford read Dipper’s entries in the Journal, the old researcher probably at least had an idea of how far McGucket had fallen.

“You remember your old research buddy, right?” Mabel asked awkwardly.

“...What does Fiddleford have to do with this situation?”

“He… kinda lives in the dump now.” Dipper’s reply pitched up at the end, almost like it was a question.

Ford stared at them agape for a moment. “I’d gathered that his mental state had deteriorated since I left, but… from what Dipper had written, it seemed like he was still working in robotics. How--why is he living in the dump!?”

“I think he’s just really bad with money.” Mabel shrugged. “He won a sweepstakes earlier this summer and he’s already spent it all on junky cars from Gleeful’s Auto Sales.”

“Yeah, I think he just used them for parts to build the Gideon-bot.” Dipper added.

“And you both believe he’s still at the dump?” Ford asked, distraught.

“Well, that’s where he’s lived all summer.” Dipper said slowly. “But… neither of us have seen him since the night before you got here.”

The old researcher finally stopped pacing and sat down heavily in the chair behind the cash register, running his fingers anxiously through his hair.

“Even if it  _ is  _ most likely a trap, that’s bait I can’t ignore…”

“We have to go find him and make sure he’s ok!” Mabel insisted.

“Yeah, but we can’t just walk right into an obvious trap!” Dipper exclaimed. 

“So just sneak in.” Stan suggested. “It’s the dump, not the State Penitentiary.” 

Ford shook his head. “Bill can’t be snuck up on, he has eyes everywhere. Our best hope is to take a direct approach and be prepared for anything.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, of course  _ you  _ would wanna go in guns ablazing.”

“Says the man who thinks every problem can be solved by punching it!”

“Ok, ok.” Dipper held up his hands, hoping his Grunkles would be able to stop fighting long enough to come up with a plan. “But launching a full-scale rescue mission is probably exactly what Bill wants. We can’t leave the Shack and the Rift unguarded.”

“Eh, Soos can probably watch it again.” Stan said.

“Sure thing, Mr. Pines.”

“Actually, I think Soos’s abilities might be better suited for our rescue mission.” Ford suggested. “We’ll need an unpredictable element. Someone who Bill is likely to underestimate. I think you’d be better to stay and guard the lab, Stanley.”

“Fine by me.” Stan shrugged. “I honestly couldn’t care less what happens to Old Man McGucket.”

Ford scowled at his brother, but held his tongue for now.

“I think we’ll need more than just Stan to watch the Shack.” Dipper reasoned. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, kid.” Stan said sarcastically.

“It’s not like I doubt your skills, I’ve seen you punch dinosaurs and fight zombies, but Bill is really dangerous, and we can’t afford to take any risks.” The boy looked around the giftshop. “Where’s Wendy?”

“Oh yeah, she took the rest of the day off.” Soos remembered. “She said she had to take care of some stuff.”

“Aw man.” Dipper groaned. The lumberjack’s daughter would have been the perfect person to help Stan guard the Shack. She was cunning and resourceful and could bury a hatchet’s blade three inches into a tree from ten feet away.

Mabel tugged on her brother’s vest. “Dipper, you should stay here with Stan.”

“What? But I wanna go with Great Uncle Ford! And, uh, I was the last one who saw McGucket at the party!” The boy protested, trying to throw some weak logic behind his desire.

“I know, but… but…” The girl threw her arms around her brother as she failed to keep her voice from trembling. “I’m so scared that Bill is gonna hurt you again! Please, can’t you just stay here where you’re safe from him?”

Dipper returned her hug. “I don’t want him to hurt  _ you  _ either. Maybe both of us should stay?”

Mabel shook her head. “No, somone’s gotta go make sure McGucket’s alright, and if it  _ is  _ a trap, Grunkle Ford’s gonna need all the help he can get.”

“Just promise you’ll be careful.”

“Don’t worry, brobro, I’ve always got my secret weapon!” Mabel assured him, pulling out her grappling hook.

“I’ll make sure she’s safe.” Ford promised, making pointed eye contact first with Dipper, then with Stan.

“Yeah, you better. Otherwise it’s your funeral when her mom finds out.” Stan grunted.

“Does everyone have what you need to defend yourselves?” Ford asked. Mabel held up her grappling hook, and Soos grabbed a shovel out of the Shack’s utility closet. “Then let’s go! We’ll discuss a plan on the way there.”


	4. Walking Like a One-Man Army

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alt Chapter Title: The Great McGucket Rescue
> 
> Ford and Mabel go searching for McGucket, Soos saves the day, and Stan is tempted.

The three of them piled into Soos’s truck. Ford elected to slide into the back of the cab with Mabel rather than sit shotgun. He needed to tell his niece what Debbs had decided.

“Mabel, I, uh…” He said slowly, “I spoke with your mother earlier this morning…”

The colorful girl tensed and pulled the collar of her sweater up a bit. Had all their ill-fated conversations over the last couple of days left her apprehensive to even speak with him?

“...I told her I wanted to keep Dipper on as my apprentice, and that you were welcome to stay here as well. Unfortunately, she, uh, declined to grant her permission.” 

“Oh!” Mabel smiled with relief, letting her collar drop. “That’s ok! Me and Dipper already talked about it and decided not to stay here anyway, so everything works out!”

Ford’s heart sank. So Stan was wrong. The children had indeed come to realize the old researcher was a toxic influence in their lives. He tried to tell himself it was for the best, to focus on his intellect and control his emotions, but controlling anguish was a lot harder than controlling fear. He at least was able to keep his expression neutral as he found something else to distract him: nitpicking grammar.

_ “Dipper and I.” _ He corrected her mechanically. “In any case, we need to come up with a plan to confront Bill and find Fiddleford.”

“He’s got this little shelter next to one of the telephone poles.” Soos commented from the driver’s seat. “It’s actually surprisingly nice for something in the middle of the dump made completely out of scrap material.”

“If Bill’s expecting us, that’s probably where he’ll be.” Ford said gravely. “I imagine he’ll keep Fiddleford close-by, to keep a close eye on his bargaining chip. We’ll need a distraction. Bill may be an all-seeing eye, but even he has trouble splitting his attention.” 

“Oooh, I’m super amazing at being a distraction!” Mabel piped up.

“I don’t doubt that.” Ford nodded, fondness somehow managing to slip past all the other emotions he was repressing. “But I promised your brother and Stan that I’d keep you safe, so I need you to stay close to me. Soos, do you think you could be a good distraction?”

“Oh yeah, totally.” Soos said nonchalantly. “Mr. Pines asks me to be the distraction all the time! When the taxman comes, or the safety inspector, or the police….”

“Of course he does.” Ford muttered. “What I need you to do is keep Bill’s attention while Mabel and I look for Fiddleford and get him to safety. Bill should still be possessing that time travel agent, so while he won’t be able to access any of the reality-warping powers he wields in the mindscape, he  _ will  _ have access to any weapon from Gravity Falls’ history or future. You’ll need to be ready for anything.”

“Well, they did teach me how to disarm an opponent with a gun or knife in my karate class, so I’ll probably be ok.”

  
  
  


* * *

It was quieter that Mabel was used to when they reached the dump. Normally, you could hear the sound of power tools and banjo strings even from the dump’s entrance, but not today. Today was deceptively peaceful.

The peace was broken by an eerie, high-pitched laugh. It was coming from the center of the dump, but as they looked around frantically, they couldn’t see their enemy anywhere. Ford fired his blaster, obliterating a board in the fence with a one-eyed triangle carved into it. 

“Well, he knows we’re here.” He said gravely. 

“What should we do?” Mabel asked.

“Proceed with the plan. Soos, you head straight for the center of the dump, we’ll go around the long way. Mabel, do you think you’ll be able to lead me to Fiddleford’s shelter if we don’t take a direct route?”

Mabel nodded with determination, even though she was only about 50% sure she’d be able to find the place, considering she’d only been there once. 

They split up, Mabel leading Ford towards the east wall of the dump. She was pretty sure if she climbed up the pile of wrecked cars there, she’d be able to look out over the dump and figure out a way to get to McGucket’s shelter, and maybe even see where Bill was at.

While running through the dump, they heard the occasional scurry of a racoon or possum through the trash. It was clear that Ford’s already twitchy nerves were on high alert, and he leveled his blaster at every single one. Luckily, he hadn’t been startled enough to fire it yet, which was good because they were trying to sneak around while Soos was distracting Bill.

The stack of cars was within sight when they noticed more scurrying around the corner. Only unlike all the other scurries they’d heard, it seemed to be running towards them instead of away from them. Ford pointed his blaster yet again, and pulled Mabel behind him.

“PEEKABOO!” Blendin’s face wearing a contorted grin popped out from around the corner. “WOW, SIXER, YOU REALLY EXPECTED ME TO TAKE THE BAIT AND GO AFTER QUESTION MARK? PPPPFT, PLEASE! HE’S NOWHERE NEAR AS FUN TO MESS WITH AS YOU! OR SHOOTING STAR, FOR THAT MATTER.” 

Bill took a few menacing steps towards them and leaned down so he was closer to Mabel’s eye-level. “WHADDAYA SAY KID? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A NEVER-ENDING PARTY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? I’LL MAKE SURE  _ ALL  _ YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS ARE THERE, AND YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO GO TO HIGHSCHOOL! IN FACT, YOU’LL BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE ME THAT RIFT!”

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ speak to her.” Ford growled. 

“You’re a butt-brain!” Mabel shouted, flinging out the worst insult she could think of.

Bill shrugged Blendin’s shoulders smugly. “OH WELL. I WAS GONNA LET YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL PARADISE BUBBLE FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS, BUT IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA COOPERATE WITH ME, I GUESS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER UNIMAGINABLE PAIN AND DESTRUCTION LIKE THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE DIMENSION.” He pulled out a large rusty pipe and hefted it threateningly in his hands. “SO, WHERE’S THAT RIFT, IQ?”

“You really think I was stupid enough to bring it here with me?” Ford scoffed.

“WELL, I MEAN, YOU  _ WERE  _ STUPID ENOUGH TO TRUST ME.” Bill counted on his fingers. “ _ AND _ TO THINK YOUR BROTHER WOULD ACTUALLY LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU CALLED FOR HELP.  _ AND  _ TO USE TOO MUCH GLUE WHEN YOU TRIED TO SEAL THE RIFT. SO YEAH. I DO THINK YOU’RE THAT STUPID.”

“Well I’m  _ not _ .”

“OH, LEMME GUESS. YOU LEFT IT WITH PINETREE?”

“And with Grukle Stan!” Mabel added defiantly.

Bill snorted. “YEAH, ‘CUZ I’M REAL SCARED OF HIM!”

The possessed time traveler didn’t even get a derisive chuckle out before Soos barreled into him with a flying kick.

“Hey dude, I need you to pay attention to me for the next, I dunno, five to ten minutes?” He looked over at Ford. “D’you think that’s enough time?”

Ford just nodded mutely, unsure of how else to react to the handyman’s sudden entrance.

Bill picked his possessed body up off the ground. “YOU WANT ME TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU, QUESTION MARK? HOW DO YOU LIKE  _ THIS  _ ATTENTION?” He pulled out a time tape and disappeared in a flash, only to reappear a second later with a large carpenter’s hammer in his hand. He threw it at Soos, who dodged it with skills honed from ten years of karate sparring.

As Bill continued to pursue Soos, pulling out weapons from random time periods as he went, Ford pulled Mabel away, back towards the center of the dump. This was just the distraction they needed, it just happened in a different order than they’d been expecting. 

So, her original plan to look for McGucket’s shelter from the top of a trash mountain wasn’t going to work now, but she could still find it, right? She remembered that a telephone pole had been one of the main support beams in the little hut, so she just needed to follow the telephone lines! Spotting one above, she rushed ahead, now pulling Ford instead of the other way around.

Sure enough, they came upon McGucket’s hovel nearby. Too nearby. They could still hear Soos doing his best to lead Bill on a wild goose-chase on the opposite side of a pile of discarded furniture and tires. But they could also hear a low, animal-like moan from inside the shelter. The two of them rushed across the clearing, hoping to reach the fox skin that acted as a door before Bill rounded the trash pile.

Before they could reach it, two things happened.

First of all, a loud, up-beat pop song started blaring out of Mabel’s pocket. 

_ “Girl, oh girl, you got it all, you know.” _

_ “But girl, oh girl, you don’t got me, no!” _

Mabel slapped her forehead and pulled out her phone, trying to silence it. “Ugh, Pacifica! Bad timing!”

Second, Bill blew away the trash pile with a shot from a cannon, sending chunks of broken wood and plastic everywhere and clearing a path between him and the shelter.

“THERE YOU ARE!”

Mabel just barely managed to hold onto her phone as Ford grabbed her by the arm and practically threw her into the door. He hurtled in after her, but no second shot came. Instead, they heard a loud, frustrated groan.

“UUUGH, WHY DO YOU HUMANS MAKE WEAPONS THAT ARE SUCH A WASTE OF TIME? WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE TO REPACK THE GUNPOWDER AND ROLL IN ANOTHER BALL EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO SHOOT SOMETHING?”

“Well, it’s not that they thought it was a good idea, it’s just that they hadn’t developed the technology--” Ford started to explain when Mabel reached up and covered his mouth. He really couldn’t help himself sometimes, could he?

That same moan they’d heard before came again, louder, from under a pile of newspapers. Many of them had frantic calculations scribbled all over them. Ford reached down and brushed them aside, revealing a shivering, hyperventilating McGucket.

Mabel had seen McGucket be pretty crazy this summer. He’d jigged on an unplugged videogame for a week, ate his way out of a dinosaur, and claimed he preferred to walk backwards when she gave him a makeover. But she’d never seen him look so terrified and  _ broken _ . His eyes were wide and unfocused, like he didn’t even notice they were there, and his breaths were coming in short, sharp whines. It was especially sad compared to the last time she’d seen him, when his mind really seemed like it was beginning to clear.

Ford looked down on his friend, absolutely devastated. If McGucket was looking bad compared to the last time Mabel had seen him, she could only imagine how he looked compared to the last time Ford saw him. 

“Y’KNOW WHAT, I’M JUST GONNA GO BACK AND GET ANOTHER ONE THAT’S ALREADY LOADED.” They heard Bill whine, followed by the  _ zap _ of the time tape being used.

McGucket moaned again at the sound of Bill’s voice, shutting his eyes tightly and clutching his head. That seemed to snap Ford out of his shock, and he reached down and scooped the old inventor into his arms.

“Let’s get out of here.” He told Mabel.

Just as they ran out the door, Bill reappeared in front of them with another cannon.

“UH-UH-UH! FOUR-EYES ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL _ I  _ GET WHAT  _ I _ WANT, SIXER!”

“Just keep running!” Ford shouted to Mabel. They picked up the pace and just barely got out of the way in time to avoid the cannonball that ripped through McGucket’s shelter.

“Dudes, over here!” Soos called to them, where he was trying to finish reloading the other cannon Bill had abandoned after less than a minute of trying. “We can fight cannon with cannon!”

“There’s no time!” Ford barked. “We need to either get out of here or find cover!”

“Cover, huh?” Soos said thoughtfully, scratching his chin, until an idea popped into his head. “Oh! You’ve seen that old timey video[1] of the dude who takes a cannonball to the stomach and it just bounces off of him? I’ve always wanted to try that!”

Ford and Mabel stared at him for a beat, dumbstruck.

“I say follow your dreams, Soos!” Mabel encouraged him.

“Yes, if you believe you’re capable, I see no reason not to give it a shot.” Ford agreed.

When Bill reappeared with another cannon, Soos stood squarely in front of it while Ford and Mabel made a run for the truck.

“OH, THIS OUGHTA BE GOOD!” Bill smirked as he fired.

Soos braced himself just as the cannonball collided with his stomach. While the iron ball did bounce off his gut and drop to the ground, Soos was also thrown back almost three feet. He landed on his back but the wind was already knocked out of him. As soon as he could move again, he rolled over and threw up.

“Ohhoho… dude…” the handyman muttered. “I knew that was probably gonna hurt, but it still hurt  _ way  _ worse than I was expecting. Ugh, I think I might’ve cracked a rib.”

No answer. Not even a mocking remark from Bill.

“Dudes?” He slowly got up to his feet and looked around. Ford and Mabel had run away, and Bill had chased after them. Oh well, at least Soos had bought them some time. He reached into his pocket to call his abuelita for a ride home, but alongside his phone, he felt another object. His truck keys. “Uh-oh.”

  
  
  


* * *

Despite Soos’s best efforts, Bill was still hot on their tail. Fiddleford squirmed weakly in Ford’s arms as they passed another mountain of garbage. His eyes seemed to briefly focus on Ford, but they looked far, far away.

“I’m jus’ barely gettin’ my mind back now, I don’t wanna lose it again...” The old inventor murmured feebly before resuming his catatonic state. It felt like someone had just stabbed Ford in the heart with an icy dagger, and he picked up the pace.

The sign above the dump’s exit soon came into view, but there were still several more piles of junk between here and there. As they fled, Mabel turned and fired her grappling hook at an old kitchen sink sticking half-way out the bottom of one of the larger junk piles behind them. The hook caught on the faucet and Mabel yanked back on the line hard, dislodging the kitchen sink and collapsing the garbage mountain in a landslide. 

“Let’s see Bill blast his way through that!” She cheered.

Ford knew it was too soon to relax. As long as Bill was possessing this time travel agent, he had access to any weapon in human history, or humankind’s future, for that matter. Although, come to think of it, why hadn’t Bill used a weapon from the future on them yet? Perhaps that would draw the attention of the Time Paradox Avoidment Enforcement Squadron?

“There’s the truck!” Mabel exclaimed, bringing Ford out of his speculations. They skidded to a stop as they finally reached the vehicle and Ford tried to open the door.

It was locked.

Soos still had the keys.

Ford swore under his breath as he searched for something to pry the door open with. Yes, he could break into the truck, and yes, he could hotwire it, but that all took  _ time _ ! Time they didn’t have!

He was expecting Bill to step out of the dump any second now, but he didn’t appear. Instead, what at first glance appeared to be a flock of ravens rose out of the nearby woods. At the same time, Fiddleford thrashed in his arms and began to yell incoherently. Stanford tried to lay him in the back of the truck gently, so he wouldn’t drop him. The old researcher’s blood ran cold. It sounded almost identical to the gibberish his friend had spouted immediately after the failed first portal test. 

As the mysterious flock drew near, Ford began searching for a rock, a golf club, anything he could use to break open the truck’s windows and get inside, all while keeping a close eye on the approaching swarm. As they came closer, he could see they weren’t birds, they were bats! But why would a swarm of bats take flight in the middle of the day? They were close enough to start blocking out the sun when Ford realized they weren’t bats. They were Eye-bats!

He pulled out his blaster and started firing into the swarm. “Mabel, find something to break into the truck with!”

She nodded and took a step back towards the dump, when Bill finally made his leisurely way to the exit. Ford couldn’t help but notice that Fiddleford’s cries stopped almost as soon as the possessed time traveler appeared.

“YOU FLESH-SACKS AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE!” Bill crowed. “NOT UNTIL I GET THAT RIFT! AFTER THAT, I HONESTLY COULDN’T CARE LESS.”

Just as Bill took another menacing step towards Mabel, Soos appeared, sledding down a trash mountain on a car door. He crashed into Bill and kept going until colliding into the side of his truck.

“Uh… I got the keys.” The handyman said in a daze, holding them up triumphantly.

Ford grabbed the keys and helped him up and into the shotgun seat. “I think I’d better drive.”

“Thanks dude, I appreciate it.” Soos said with a chuckle, then clutched his stomach. “Ooof, ugh, that’s… that’s definitely bruised.”

The truck zoomed away just as Bill rushed for the truck bed where Fiddleford was still laying. The swarm of Eye-bats descended on them, and Ford rolled down his window, steering with one hand and firing his blaster into the flock with the other. He knew it wasn’t exactly the safest position for his friend to be in, nearly unconscious in the bed of a speeding, reckless pickup truck, but he couldn’t exactly pull over and buckle him in next to Mabel. Not if they didn’t want to be overtaken by Eye-bats. The old researcher just had to hope that his old friend would be able to hold out until they reached the shield spell.

  
  
  


* * *

Stan was just sitting and watching tv like this was a perfectly normal day. Dipper wondered how he could possibly do it, just push all the danger and worry aside and vegg out like that. Sure, Stan wasn’t really invested in McGucket’s safety, but he had to care what might happen to Mabel, Ford, and Soos, right? 

Of course, Dipper had known Stan long enough that he knew the old conman tended to express his emotions in a weird way. He teased and noogied to show affection, loaded on chores instead of compliments, and lied to the people he loved to try and keep them safe. Not to mention he’d spent the last thirty years trying to bring his lost brother home with an incredibly dangerous machine, while also pretending everything was normal. Maybe Stan was just really good at ignoring danger and worry by this point. And  _ wow _ , that was a depressing thought. 

Dipper kept vigilant watch out the front window, searching for any suspicious activity while also waiting anxiously for the return of Soos’s truck. He’d been sitting there for maybe fifteen minutes when the phone rang. It rang two more times, and Stan made no move to answer it. Dipper was unwilling to leave his post himself, but Stan was just watching old reruns of Baby Fights!

“Uh, Grunkle Stan?” Dipper called out after the fourth ring. Maybe he’d turned down his hearing aide?

“I hear it kid.” Stan grunted.

“Well, aren’t you going to get it!?”

“It’s probably just that triangular jerk, tryin’ to distract us. And if not, whoever it is can just leave a message.”

“But what if it’s Mabel or Soos?”

Dipper was distracted from his complaining when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. A car was coming down the dirt road towards the Mystery Shack. The boy seriously doubted the rescue mission would be back already.

Stan got up with a grunt from his chair to see what had caught Dipper’s attention. “There, see? What’d I tell ya? Wouldn’t’ve noticed whoever this yahoo is if you’d been trying to listen in on me while I was on the phone. When you know somebody’s after ya, you gotta keep distractions to a minimum.”

“You were just watching TV!” the boy gestured back to the flickering CRT.

“Eh, it’s a rerun, I’m not really payin’ attention to it, just need something to calm my nerves.”

The mystery car drove out of the trees. It wasn’t a car at all, it was a limo. One Dipper recognized from the Northwest’s fleet.

“Well, this ain’t gonna be good.” Stan grimace.

“M-maybe it’s just Pacifica coming to ask for help again?” The boy said hopefully, although his heart wasn’t really in it.

Sure enough, the Northwest stepping out of the limo was Preston. He looked around like everything about the Shack was a personal insult to him before stepping up to the door and knocking with a gloved hand.

Stan grabbed the taxidermied fake dodo sitting on a small table in the corner and reached under its wing, pulling out a small handgun, which he held behind his back as he opened the door. Dipper wasn’t quite sure how to feel about the fact that his uncle was answering the door with a loaded gun in his hand. Sure, they were all in danger from Bill at the moment, but he really didn’t want Stan to go to jail for shooting one of the most important people in Gravity Falls, even if Preston probably deserved it.

“Whaddya want?” Stan asked gruffly.

Preston’s small, forced smile seemed painful. “Aheh, yes, well, I suppose I’ll get right to the point then. I’m here to purchase your… I suppose this qualifies as a business on some level? My opening offer is two million dollars for the building and the land it occupies.”

“Hah! Yeah, right!” Stan barked. “I wouldn’t sell this place to a scumbag like you for  _ twenty  _ million!”

“Well, how about fifty million?” Preston asked coolly.

Stan froze, his eyes wide. He stared the billionaire down, trying to decide if he was bluffing. It sure didn’t seem like a bluff to Dipper. The boy knew the Northwests threw that kind of money around like it was nothing, because to them, it  _ was _ .

“Not for a hundred million.” Stan said, although it was less of a defiant denial and more of a fishing offer, trying to gauge how high Preston was willing to go.

“How about a hundred and  _ fifty _ million?” Preston offered.

“Higher.” Stan shook his head.

“Grunkle Stan!?” Dipper cried indignantly.

“Ah-ah!” Stan pushed him back without even turning to look. “Not now kid, the grownups are talking.”

“Two hundred million?” Preston asked, his cool smile starting to slip.

Stan shook his head. “Uh-uh. Higher.”

“Three hundred million?” Mr. Northwest ventured again through clenched teeth.

“Higher!”

“F-five hundred million?” 

“I’m thinking  _ twice  _ that much.”

“Seriously!?” Preston finally exploded. “You want a  _ billion  _ dollars for this--this hovel!?”

“Y’know what, you’re right.” Stan shook his head. “I’m not askin’ enough.  _ Two  _ billion!”

The Northwest patriarch looked like he very much wanted to strangle Stan.

“C’mon Northwest, I know you’re good for it!” Stan smirked.

“Absolutely not! Seventy-five hundred million, and that’s my final offer!”

“Welp,  _ my final offer’s _ still two billion, so you can either pony up or get off my porch.”

“.... _ Fine _ .” Preston hissed, the veins in his forehead popping.

Stan stuck out his hand for Preston to shake, but as soon as the billionaire reached for it, the conman yanked it away.

_ “Psych!” _ Stan chortled. “Hah! I just wanted to see how far I could go before you chickened out! You couldn’t give me your whole dirty fortune for this place!”

It took Preston a moment to regain his composure. “I beg you to reconsider, Mr. Pines.” He said with a dangerous edge to his voice. “Take it from someone in the real estate business, property can  _ lose value _ so quickly.”

“Yeah, the answer’s still no.” Stan said flatly. “Now get outta here. Don’t think I won’t call the cops!”   
  


“I’m afraid you’ll find they’re busy at the moment. I just made a rather large donation so they’re holding a banquet. Even if you could pry them away from it, I doubt they’d be willing to arrest the man that just doubled their salary.”

“Oh, well, if you’re so sure the cops won’t be coming.” Stan pulled the gun out from behind his back.

Mr. Northwest finally backed off, although he shared a long glare with Stan before getting back into his limo. “This isn’t over, Pines!”

“Tell it to someone who cares!” Stan shouted after him.

Dipper looked up at his uncle with awe as he shut the door. “Grunkle Stan, that was  _ awesome!” _

Stan rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice you actually thought I was gonna take his offer.”

Dipper blushed and laughed sheepishly.

The old conman sighed as he sat back down in his recliner. “Eh, guess I can’t blame you. I  _ was  _ actually tempted for half a second. Then I remembered that guy’s a lying cheating crook, and he wasn’t gonna actually pay  _ anything  _ for this place. Still,  _ two billion dollars, _ wouldn’t that be somethin’!”

“Grunkle Stan,  _ no amount of money _ is worth the end of the world as we know it.” Dipper reminded him sharply.

“I know that!” Stan retorted, insulted. “I’m just sayin’, if I’d been able to trick him outta that much, heh,  _ that  _ would’ve been the con of a lifetime.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Dipper stammered, taking up his watch at the window again. “I shouldn’t doubt you. I’m just… I’m just really worried, y’know. Bill’s using more and more people to try and get at the rift. The Northwests are the most powerful people in town. You got him to leave for now, but he’s probably gonna hire thugs or something.”

“I know you’re worried, kid.” Stan said sadly. “I wish you didn’t have to worry about all this junk, but at the very least, you don’t gotta worry about this. I’ve had to hole up against hired thugs in this Shack before. ‘Course, this time I’m not gonna be able to fake my death to get ‘em to give up and go home.”

Dipper grimaced. This conversation wasn’t really reassuring him. 

Stan sighed again. “Look, bud, I know Bill’s got a lot of people in his pocket, but time’s on our side, right? Eventually, that glue you found is gonna set, and then what’s he gonna do? Besides, you and your sister are going home next weekend anyway, and then you won’t have to worry about a thing.”

Dipper turned to look back at his uncle. “I’ll still worry about you. And Ford. And everyone else left here in Gravity Falls.”

Stan felt his heart swell when he realized how much the boy cared about him. It didn’t matter if he was safe, if his family was still in danger. Stan was all too familiar with that feeling, and he didn’t like the thought of this twelve-year-old kid being burdened with it.

“Well then, we’re just gonna have to figure something out then, aren’t we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqApQEC51bE


	5. Every Little Past Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill considers his pawns, and Dipper tries to reason with Ford.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I have been working on this chapter for like a month! Mostly I was busy with my new job, but I'm also doing NaNoWriMo for the first time. My sister and I are working on an original story. I'll let you guys know if it ever gets finished.
> 
> Oh, also if you need a hint for the code in this chapter, just ask me in the comments.

Bill watched through the eyes of a hundred eye-bats as the truck carrying his quarry barreled down the wooded back roads of Gravity Falls. The flock was closing in, despite Sixer's erratic blaster fire and manic driving. Of course, just as soon as it looked like Bill’s victory was in the bag, the Mystery Shack came into view on the horizon through the trees. The demonic triangle growled with rage and willed the flock to fly faster. He was _not_ letting his bargaining chip get away! 

The cloud of eye bats descended on the truck. Maybe Bill’s luck was changing. The idiots had just left Four-Eyes lying in the truck bed unprotected. Bill didn’t know much about humans and the protection laws they used to try and keep themselves alive a little longer, but he was pretty sure that was a stupid thing to do even if you didn’t have otherworldly forces chasing after you.

Unfortunately, the eye-bats weren’t strong enough to turn someone to stone yet. They still hadn’t absorbed enough of the Nightmare Realm’s power. But they did have this nifty tractor beam ability, which came in handy since they didn’t have any hands or claws to speak of. A few of the eye-bats got in close enough to start lifting the scruffy hillbilly out of the back of the truck. He started thrashing and yowling in panic. 

“I TOLD YOU, YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL _I GET WHAT I WANT!”_ Bill crowed triumphantly. True, since he was back in the Nightmare Realm instead of possessing that time traveling loser, the only one who could hear him was Four-Eyes, but it wasn’t any fun if Bill couldn’t brag to someone.

“!Votmzrig ivskrx oory! Taht rebmemer ot tnaw t’nod I! Niaga ti ees ot tnaw t’nod I! Gnimoc si mlaer eramthgin eht…” McGucket howled.

Of course, every time Bill spoke directly to Fiddleford’s mind, the nerd had to go and be a _drama queen_ about it! It was honestly the main reason the demon had continued tormenting the guy over the years. It wasn’t like Bill got anything out of it, he couldn’t possess the old coot or coerce him into helping the rift along. It was just hilarious to see how he reacted. Some mortals and the Nightmare Realm just didn’t mix.

Four-Eyes’s clamoring got the attention of the rescue team sitting in the truck cab. Shooting Star fired her grappling hook out the back window and snagged onto the old inventor’s overalls. Meanwhile, Sixer leaned almost half-way out the driver’s side window, blasting down the eye-bats that had been carrying off his friend; Question Mark struggled to keep them on the road while the driver was otherwise occupied.

Bill roared with volcanic rage as the truck veered around the corner, into the long driveway leading up to the Mystery Shack. They were almost to the barrier! He was _not_ going to lose this bargaining chip, not after everything else that had gone wrong over the past few days.

The remaining eye-bats clustered around the open windows, trying to squeeze inside and block the view of the road. The truck careened through a few advertising signs, but stayed on course for the Mystery Shack. Maybe, if he blocked their view long enough, he could make them crash into the wall of the Shack and break the line of unicorn hair, disabling the shield spell.

But luck was not with Bill this week. The breaks squealed, and the truck skidded to a stop just inches away from the gift shop entrance. Sixer threw his door open and laid down some blaster fire to cover Shooting Star and Question Mark as they carried Four-Eyes inside. They were within the barrier.

“GGGGRAAAAAH! COME ON!” Bill conjured a glass just to throw it at the wall in frustration. “WHAT IS WITH THIS TIMELINE!? DECADES OF PLANNING, AND IT’S JUST ALL THROWN OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE WHAT? PINETREE AND SHOOTING STAR ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT THEIR _FEELINGS!? EUGCH!”_

“DiD tHeY gEt AwAy, BoSs?” Hectorgon asked, noticing his boss’ temper tantrum.

“THE ONLY REASON THEY GOT AWAY IS BECAUSE I’M STUCK WORKING WITH **SUB-PAR LACKEYS!!** ” Bill steamed. Hectorgon took the hint, scurrying away.

It really was a shame that good pawns were so hard to come by in Gravity Falls. Since the original plan of taking the rift from Shooting Star didn’t pan out, Bill had to start improvising. And hey, he was an ageless being of pure energy. He could do that. But the mortals available to him in Gravity Falls were just _so lame!_

Wendy, the Cool Girl, had seemed promising. She was smart and strong, and best of all, the Pines trusted her. Unfortunately she was a little too smart. Bill had known convincing her to smash the rift was a long shot, but she would have been a real asset, had things worked out. As it was, she was a nice distraction.

Toby Determined had definitely just been a distraction. The guy was about as competent as a leaky paper cup. But he’d actually gotten most of the Pines family out of the house, so that part of the plan, at least, had worked. They’d even left the Big Mackerel in charge of guarding the place! It seemed like the perfect opportunity to try out his new pawn, Preston Northwest. Bill had been sure Stan would take the bait, but _no! Everyone_ in the Pines family had to do the opposite of what was expected this week. And Preston was such a priss, he’d rather just make vague threats and drive off than actually do what Bill asked him to and get his hands dirty! 

Unfortunately, possessing Preston wasn’t possible quite yet. The guy was too business savvy to make a deal on a handshake. It all had to be in writing with him.

The only other viable pawn in town was Lil’ Gideon, but he didn’t exactly have easy access to the Shack right now. Sure, Bill could break him out of prison, but it’d take a lot of effort, and it’d draw a lot of attention. Not just from the Pines, but from the Time Paradox Anomaly Avoidance Squad. There were a lot of perks to possessing a time traveler, but they came with the inconvenience of having to watch his step whenever he used them.

Bill sighed as he watched Sixer through one of his effigies still left in the Mystery Shack. Now _there_ had been a good pawn! That rare balance of competence and gullibility, of intelligence and naivety, really did only come around once in a generation! So eager to please, so desperate to prove himself, so willing to just go along with things and not ask too many questions. Too bad Four-Eyes had to blunder his way into the portal on the test run. If Bill hadn’t had to tip his hand early, he might have brought the party to Earth thirty years ago. Ah well. Fighting Sixer all these years certainly kept him entertained.

For now, Bill was going to have to make due with his current pawns. Speaking of which, his latest puppet was trying to make a break for it. Bill popped out of the Nightmare Realm and into Blendin’s mindscape. The bumbling time traveler was about to pull out his time tape and jump into the future.

“AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” 

“Y-y-you can’t do this to me!” Blendin stammered. “I-I’m a time officer! I h-have rights!”

“OH, SORRY, MY MISTAKE!” Bill said sarcastically. “WHY DON’T YOU HURRY BACK TO THOSE JERKS WHO CONSTANTLY MOCKED YOU FOR LOSING GLOBNAR TO TWO CHILDREN. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU’D BE EAGER TO ADD ‘GOT POSSESSED BY MY BOSS’S WORST ENEMY’ TO THE INSULT LIST. THAT IS, IF THEY DON’T LOCK YOU UP FOR AIDING IN THE END OF THE WORLD!”

“I-I’ve escaped the infinitentiary before!” the time traveler protested.

“YEAH, SURE, THEN IT’LL JUST BE LIFE ON THE RUN WHILE TIME-BABY PUTS OUT A DIMENSION-WIDE MANHUNT FOR YOU! FACE IT, BLENDO, YOUR BEST CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS WITH ME!”

Blendin opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to come up with a good comeback, or rebuttal, or any reason to refuse Bill’s offer, but he apparently couldn’t think of one. Finally, he just hung his head in defeat and held out his hand. Bill smiled with his one eye and grabbed it, taking possession of the time traveler once again.

“THAT’S MORE LIKE IT! NOW, LET’S GO FIND A LADDER AND AN AK-47!”

  
  
  


* * *

The flock of eye-bats dispersed once Mabel and Soos got McGucket within the barrier. Ford breathed a sigh of relief. That had been too close. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Bill had tried to bargain with Fiddleford’s life for the rift.

Thankfully, McGucket’s incoherent screams had stopped once he was safely inside. The old inventor looked exhausted, but relieved, like he’d just outrun a raging wild animal. Ford locked eyes with him, and for a moment, he could have sworn a hint of recognition flickered on Fiddleford’s face. But then, the fatigue caught up with his old friend, and he passed out in Soos’s arms. 

Dipper, who had been keeping watch from the window, rushed over to them. “Oh my gosh, are you guys ok?” He asked, taking in everyone’s battered appearance. 

“I think I might’ve cracked a rib.” Soos said nonchalantly, as though he was talking about a paper cut and not one of the most painful injuries he could still walk on. 

“Come bring Fiddleford into my room; I’ll examine you both.” Ford instructed.

Dipper followed them in as they laid Fiddleford on the couch. A quick glance over found no serious injuries that needed immediate attention, although the old inventor definitely looked like he needed a few good meals in him. Next, Ford had Soos pull his shirt off, so he could properly check his ribs.

“Luckily they’re not cracked, just badly bruised.” Ford assured the handyman after a few moments of careful prodding. He handed Soos a small packet of some medicinal cream. “This cellular-regeneration optimizing salv should allow you to heal within the hour. I assume you can apply it yourself.”

“You got it, dawg.” Soos took the packet with a salute and left for the bathroom.

“Er, alright…” Ford wasn’t quite sure what that response meant, but it sounded like an affirmative. 

“What happened?” Dipper asked once Ford finished his examinations and just sat down, watching his friend anxiously.

“Your sister was there for it all. You can ask her.” Ford replied simply. He was trying to let the boy down gently, but the kids really were better off without him.

“Oh, O-ok…” Dipper left reluctantly, casting a glance over his shoulder as he closed the door.

* * *

“And so we skidded into the parking lot next to the gift shop like something out of Nagoya Burnout!” Mabel concluded her dramatic retelling of their rescue mission.

“Aw man, I wish I was there!” Dipper complained. “Although, I did get to see Stan psych out Preston Northwest. That was pretty gratifying.”

“Oh, that reminds me!” Mabel pulled out her cell phone. “Pacifica called me while we were at the dump, but it wasn’t a good time, so I hung up on her.”

“Huh. We got a call just before her dad showed up, but Grunkle Stan told me to just let it go to voicemail.”

Mabel checked her inbox to find several missed messages from Pacifica.

_“Hey you asked if my parents were acting weird earlier?”_ The rich girl’s voice crackled from the voicemail. _“Well, my dad just asked the chauffeur to take him to your shack. Last time he wouldn’t even ride there himself, he made ME go! ...Omg he’s packing a briefcase of money. I’m gonna have to call you back.”_

The next message continued Pacifica’s panic, _“When I asked him what he was doing he just said he was going to make a ‘business transaction’. Mabel seriously, call me back! I am freaking out!”_

_“I think he’s going to try and buy your house? Either that or maybe your uncle deals drugs? None of this makes sense to me. Just call me back already!”_

_“Mabel! Pick up! Why aren’t you answering!?”_

_“Uugh,_ **_fine!_ ** _I’m calling your house!!”_

“Oops.” Mabel grimaced. “I guess I should call her back.”

“Do you think her dad is actually working with Bill?” Dipper asked worriedly.

“I mean, I know he’s a shady rich guy and a bad parent, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of person to make a deal with a demon.” Mabel reasoned. “But maybe Bill came to him disguised as Blendin, like he did to Toby, and offered him technology from the future or something?”

“Maybe.” Dipper agreed. “I can’t think of any other reason the Northwests would try to buy out this place. I know Stan’s made enough to support himself and run the portal, but the Shack can’t be that successful compared to all the Northwest’s businesses. I’m just worried about Pacifica. Her parents are already the worst. If Bill is controlling them, who knows what they’d do to her?”

Mabel pulled up Pacifica’s contact and started calling. Her crazy rich rival picked up on the second ring. “ _Now_ you pick up!? What happened!? My dad said Stan pulled a gun on him!”

“Sorry!” Mabel apologized, “I was on a rescue mission, I had to be stealthy!”

“And Stan only pulled a gun on him after he made it clear calling the cops wasn’t an option!” Dipper defended.

“Why didn’t you just text me?” Mabel asked.

“And leave a written record that I was trying to warn you guys?” Pacifica scoffed. “You’ve got to be kidding!”

“...Your parents go through your texts?” Dipper asked warily.

“Yeah, don’t yours?” Pacifica asked, clearly not seeing anything wrong with the practice. 

“Nevermind all that!” Mabel interrupted, “We wanted to make sure you’re alright!”

"What? I'm fine. You two are the ones living with the guy who pulled a gun on my dad!"

"After he threatened us!" Dipper repeated.

“Not in any way that would hold up in court, I’m sure.” Pacifica said, and Dipper swore he could hear her rolling her eyes.

“Anyway, we called because we’re worried about you!” Mabel broke up the argument.

“Why would you be worried?” Pacifica asked. “Guys, I’m just grounded. It’s not like my parents have me locked up in a dungeon or something.”

“We have reason to believe your parents are fraternizing with a dream demon.” Dipper explained. “Or at least your dad is.”

“Um… you’re joking, right?” the rich girl huffed a weak laugh.

“Don’t freak her out, Dipper!” Mabel elbowed her brother.

“But it’s true!”

“Hey Pacifica, sorry, Dipper’s being crazy paranoid.” Mabel forced a laugh, “But seriously though, you should keep an eye on your dad. And like, if he gets yellow eyes or something, you should just leave.”

“What!? What the heck is going on, you two? Is this another ghost thing?”

“Well I mean, it does seem like Bill’s main way of getting things done in our world _is_ possessing people, so that’s kind of like a ghost…” Dipper answered.

“Who the heck is Bill!?”

“He’s a dream demon who wants to end the world.” Dipper explained bluntly. “But he needs something in our house to do it.”

“Are-are you serious?” Pacifica asked incredulously. “You’d better be serious right now, because if you’re messing with me I’ll come over there and buy your uncle’s filthy tourist trap myself!”

“I’m dead serious.” Dipper assured her. “What do you know about that creepy tapestry in the alcove just to the left of the grand staircase in the main dining hall? The one with the triangle eye on it?”

“Ugh, that ugly thing?” Pacifica groaned. “Mom can’t talk dad into throwing it out because it’s a family heirloom or whatever. Once I inherit this mansion, it’s going in the trash where it belongs!”

“Haha, Bill belongs in the trash!” Mabel giggled.

“So what, is Bill the guy who made the tapestry or something?”

“He’s the one _on_ the tapestry.” Dipper corrected. “He’s the triangle eye.”

“I told you, if you’re messing with me--”

“I’m not messing with you! I know it sounds crazy, but this is a matter of life and death!” Dipper said earnestly.

“Ok, ok!” Pacifica backed off, surprised by Dipper’s sincerity. “I honestly don’t know anything else about it, though. Just that apparently it was a gift to Nathaniel Northwest when he founded the town.”

“Which we all know he didn’t do.” Dipper reasoned. “So where did it actually come from?”

“How the heck should I know?” Pacifica retorted.

“Could you maybe ask your dad about it?” Mabel proposed.

“I guess. He might find it a little suspicious if I suddenly seem interested in it though.”

“Could you at least take a picture of it and text it to us?” Dipper asked. “I didn’t think to take a good look at it while I was there, and I only remember a few vague details.”

“Ugh, ok, but you’d better help me find a good way to explain why I sent it to you once my parents find out.”

  
  
  


* * *

Dinnertime rolled around, and Ford still hadn’t left his room since the rescue party returned earlier that afternoon. Dipper was beginning to worry. Despite his insistence that he could live off of his nutrition pills for another three years, Ford always made a point to join the family for dinner. Even though the old researcher wouldn't admit it, Dipper was pretty sure it was because he got lonely spending all his time in the basement. The fact that Ford was absent as they dug into a plate of Mac'n'Cheese left Dipper wondering if something was wrong.

"Hey, uh, Mabel? Did Great Uncle Ford seem upset when you guys found McGucket?"

"He _did_ seem pretty sad, but I don't think he really had _time_ to be upset. We were busy running from Bill."

"Of course he's upset. He's finally seen first-hand how his old college buddy has become the self-proclaimed local kook." Stan said without looking up from his dinner. "Just give him some space, kid, he'll be fine."

Dipper wasn't in the habit of listening to Stan, so as soon as he finished eating he dropped his plate in the sink and snuck down the hall to Ford's room. Thankfully, it wasn't locked.

Ford looked up at him with such a dead-eyed stare when he stepped in that the boy suddenly wished he _had_ listened to Stan.

"H-hey… um… we, uh, missed you at dinner… heh…"

"I'm otherwise occupied." Ford said quietly, not looking the boy in the eye. "Don't worry about me, I still have plenty of nutrition pills."

"Oh, uh, yeah…." Dipper scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "... That's not what I'm really worried about though."

Ford tensed. "Has there been a new development with Bill?"

"Uh… I mean, Preston Northwest _did_ come by here and try to buy the Shack, but Stan scared him off, for now…. Oh! And Wendy wanted to know if you would help put up a barrier around her family’s house if she got some more unicorn hair.”

The old researcher nodded. “It will take time. It would be safer for her to stay here until I’m able to assemble another barrier spell.” 

“Oh, ok, I’ll let her know.” Dipper shuffled his feet. “So, uh, how’s McGucket?”

“He needs rest.” Ford watched his friend’s sleeping form carefully, still refusing to meet Dipper’s gaze.

“Um, are _you_ ok?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Ford reiterated shortly. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to your sister about now?”

“...Mabel told you we weren’t going to stay, didn’t she?” Dipper fretted. “...Are you mad at me?”

Ford finally turned to face him. “Of course not, my boy! If anything, you should be mad at me.”

“What, why?” Dipper asked in confusion.

“I came between you and your family. I got you involved in my problems. I put you in danger. I shouldn’t-- you shouldn’t-- you’d be safer if you kept your distance from me.”

“But you _are_ my family!” Dipper insisted. “And I was involved with Bill before I even knew who you were!”

“Because you found my journal. I still started you on that path.”

“Well, technically, I guess.” Dipper admitted grudgingly. “But that wasn’t your fault!”

Ford scoffed and looked away again, obviously not convinced.

“If you and Mabel already came to your own decision to return home, then you must have realized on some level that I am a toxic influence. I don’t understand the thoughts and feelings of other people. I’ve hurt every person I’ve ever been close to.” The old researcher watched the slow rise and fall of Fiddleford’s far-too-thin chest. “You deserve better than that. You deserve better than _me_.”

Dipper was dumbstruck for a moment. He never would have guessed that his Great Uncle Ford, the _Author of the Journals_ , would feel this way. And it felt so wrong, because this wasn’t the way he viewed his uncle _at all_ . Didn’t he know he was Dipper’s _hero_? Deserve better? Ford being Dipper’s uncle, and actually liking him and spending time with him, was better than the boy had dared to hope for.

“That’s not why we decided to go home!” Dipper insisted. How had Mabel put it? She made it sound so simple. “It’s not like we don’t want to stay with you. Now just isn’t the right time.”

“Not now… and not ever.” Ford said glumly. “It’s… it’s for the best.”

“No it’s not!” the boy blurted. “I know a lot of the people you care about end up hurt, and I know you have a hard time understanding why other people do things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t understand other people’s thoughts and feelings _at all!_ That doesn’t mean _all_ you do is hurt other people! I know because you were the first person this summer who understood _me_! 

“I love Mabel, but we don’t see the world in the same way. That’s a good thing most of the time, but sometimes when I try to talk to her about the paranormal, she just dismisses it as me being paranoid, or ‘dumb nerd stuff’. And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to talk to Stan about that stuff. 

“When I found your Journal in the woods, it wasn’t just an exciting mystery that fell into my lap. It was like finding validation that all the weird things I saw actually mattered. I think that Journal helped me get out of trouble just as often as it got me into trouble. And as the summer went on and I read more and saw more, it was like I was getting to know you, even though I still didn't have any idea who you were. I knew I felt a connection with whoever wrote it, so I started trying to figure out who it was. 

“Yeah, I got in a little too deep and got in trouble at a few points, but that just made it all the more amazing when I finally found out that the Author was _you_ , and you were my family, and I wasn’t just imagining that we had something in common! And somehow, impossibly, you’re even cooler than I ever imagined because you’re more than just paranormal mysteries and cryptograms that take me ages to decode! You like to play the same games I do, and you actually take my theories and stuff seriously instead of just laughing it off or telling me I’m paranoid! And… and…” Dipper slowly became painfully aware of how long he’d been talking without any response from Ford, who was still turned away from him. “And you’re really important to me, ok? I know we’ve known each other for less than a month, but I just can’t accept a future where we can’t hang out anymore, ok?”

Ford didn’t answer for a long time. He just stared down at McGucket’s sleeping form. But if Dipper watched closely, he could see his uncle just barely keeping his breathing under control.

“You’re a very intelligent boy, Dipper.” The old researcher finally croaked. “Why can’t you see the evidence lying right before you?”

Dipper looked down on McGucket's prone form, then to his uncle, who was just barely containing his grief.

“You may have hurt McGucket, but you can’t completely blame yourself for the state he’s in now. And you obviously still feel bad about what happened, and you’re doing everything you can to help now. If you ask me, that’s not toxic. 

“I know you’re scared of hurting the people you love again, but just cutting yourself off from everyone isn’t gonna help, even if it seems like the easiest option. I think you just need some people who love you back and are willing to help you learn to be better.”

Dipper decided to take a risk and stepped forward, tentatively hugging Ford around the waist. His uncle tensed for a second at the unexpected contact, but his rigidity crumbled after a moment. The old researcher dropped to his knees and hugged his nephew tightly. 

“Thank you, my boy. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that.”


End file.
